God Loves Aliens

Can somebody please rescue me from fucking Utah? I don't know if I can take it anymore, the Mormons are steadily trying to kill off what remains of my shriveled black heart. Do you require examples of the causes of my despair, you fucking sadists? How about this....Being the winner that I am, I went to a movie on a Saturday night with my mom (plus she bought me some snacks, which was kick ass) the movie was called District 9. District 9 is probably the greatest goddamn movie ever made, the theater was packed in anticipation of this movie that was getting such rave reviews. The movie starts and from the very beginning I'm thinking to myself, wow! and...Fuck yeah! I'm totally into this movie, i'm loving every minute of it....and then it happened, there is a part in the movie where the government is trying to get these aliens out of this refugee camp so that they can move them somewhere else. While they are in the process of doing this there is probably only a 30 second clip where they come across a shed full of unborn aliens in mucous sacs and hooked up to a bunch of hoses. So the hero of the movie unhooks one of the hoses and then looks at his friends and says "look, your first alien abortion." as soon as this happens at least 10 couples in the theater watching the movie get up and leave! And I'm so into this movie it takes a few seconds to register what had just happened. I think to myself that its odd that people would start walking out of the theater when the movie had only just started.....and then it hits me!! "Holy shit! they're walking out because of the alien abortion!!" As you sit here reading this you are probably thinking to yourself that I must be mistaken, surely nobody could be so ridiculous. Well, I must admit that I couldn't believe it either so I went out into the lobby to investigate; and one of those poor dumb bastards was talking to the manager and demanding his money back! Seriously....no, Seriously. I guess up to this point in my life I was naive about the world, any hope that I still had for it had now ended, if I wasn't so scared of dying, or pain and had a gun I would have shot myself on the spot. So, for anyone who has been wondering, not only are the Mormons against abortion, they are also against make-believe-pretend-theoretical-movie alien-abortion...... It's a goddamn movie for chrissakes, you fucking idiots! I'll bet if the movie was about the prophet Joseph Smith butt-fucking 10 of his 13yr old Mormon brides everyone would have been on their feet applauding.

So since I had so much time on my hands because i'm on parole for eternity, I decided to go back to school at Dixie State College in Saint George, Utah. I've been going for the last month or so, one of my classes is Biology. On the first day the teacher instructs me to read a chapter out of the $1000, falling-apart, used text-book that I was forced to buy at gunpoint from the book store, and then he gives a lecture on the chapter. So I read the first chapter which is about evolution and natural selection. The professor proceeds to give the lecture and never mentions evolution and natural selection and then tells the whole class that Biology "is just theories." If its all just theories, then what the fuck are we all doing here!? Why the fuck did you make me buy this book if its all just fucking guesses? Like I said I've been in a College Biology class for over a month and the instructor has never once mentioned, Darwin, Evolution, or Natural Selection! I watch him closely everyday with great scrutiny to see if he dares mention anything about any of this. I've been on a lot of different college campuses from when I was a traveling magazine salesman/hoodlum, and I must say Dixie is the only college I've ever seen that has every TV on campus stationed to FOX news. I think if you tried to turn the channel 50 cretins would pop out of nowhere holding signs labeling you a Fascist, and yelling slogans that make no sense. I feel bad for these kids, I really do; none of them have a single original thought in their heads because in Utah this is discouraged. Plus the whole school is run by the fucking Mormon church! When I was at orientation after I had first registered to go to school, the Dean came to speak to us, telling us what a great school this was and what a high level education we were all going to get, so when I got home I was bored and decided to google his punk ass, and this guy is the head honcho of Mormondom in St. George. After learning this, I thought it quite strange that the man who was in charge of my education and taking all my money, believes that Native Americans are descended from ancient Israelites, and prays to the effigy of some poor man nailed to a piece of wood. He also believes that the greatest thing that could ever happen is the return of ol' J-Dog and the onset of the end of the world! I'm pretty sure I'm fucked. Usually, I like it better when I"m the one who fucks myself over, so I take offense when I feel like someone is trying to do it for me. Anyways, that's all I got for now, kiss my ass.

More Prison Shenanigans Part 2

This is part 2 of "More prison shenanigans" (Read the post below this one for Part 1)

Let me tell you from first hand experience going to the "hole" in prison is shitty but going to the hole in Wasco State Prison over a baloney sandwich is even shittier. Maybe if it was really exquisite baloney from France or something then perhaps it would have all been worth it, but prison baloney comes in a cellophane wrapper and it smells like a wet dog. I had just punched the work change cop and in return the guards had emptied every can of pepper spray in the facility on me. If you ever wind up getting pepper sprayed in prison never let the guards "decontaminate" you, at first it sounds enticing like they're trying to help, but letting them hose you down with water is the last thing you want. The only thing water is going to do is spread the pepper spray and make it worse, so tell em' to "fuck off," and then proceed to suffer in silence. So they take me to the "Program Office," and put me in a steel cage known as a "phone booth," because that's exactly what it looks like except without the phone part. Then after four hours standing in this goddamn cage a couple CO's show up to escort me to the Administrative Segregation Unit (ASU). The ASU at Wasco is pretty much the last place on Earth you want to be because there are a lot of very violent, and very bored, crazy sumbitches living there. The ASU was on the other side of the prison so I got to go on a pretty cool field trip, I was kind of wondering if my escort was taking me to some out of the way place to beat the shit out of me though. After my "Grand Tour" we finally arrive at our destination and they put me in another phone booth while they figure out what cell they're going to put me in. About 15 minutes later an ASU cop escorts me to my new cell, and when I say cell I mean a cell! Those asshole cops had taken the mattress, given me no sheets, no clothes except for the pepper spray boxers I was wearing, and as I would find out in the morning no toilet paper. It was payback for assaulting an officer (Even though he deserved it!), at any other prison they would have just beaten me up and then it was done, but these guys were fighting dirty. In the evening they brought me my dinner tray which only had 1/2 of what was supposed to be there, and they took the popsicle that I was supposed to get for dessert as well, (prison guards are big on the whole "adding insult to injury" theory). The next morning the realization came that I had no toilet paper, I had remembered reading an article about the Turks who wipe their asses with their hands so I figured if it was good enough for a fucking Turk it was good enough for me. Plus I wasn't about to whine to the cops and give them the satisfaction, but looking back at it they probably got a lot of satisfaction knowing that I had to be wiping my ass with my hand. Fortunately I was able to remember to pick up my food with my left hand...or was it my right? Of course my cell was right next to the biggest lunatic in the whole joint. This psychotic Crip adjacent to me would wake up in the morning and beat on the metal stool in his cell all day except for when he took breaks to lay on his back and kick his cell door as hard as humanly possible. You can communicate with the cell next to yours through the vent, so one day he gets my attention through this method and asks me if have any Kool-aid leftover from the lunch that the CO's never brought me. I let him know that unfortunately I was Kool-Aidless, he then told me that his name was "Jackmove," (I swear to god) and that he was from Bakersfield or some other bastion of culture nearby. He had been in the hole for over a year, and he had a pretty good little routine going for himself. First, right after the cops delivered breakfast, it was metal stool beating time. Then when the CO's came upstairs to tell him to shut the fuck up, he'd wait until they left and then lay on his back on the floor and kick his cell door. The cops would come flying back up the steps and yell mean-spirited epithets at him until he stopped. To the lay person this might not seem much but every convict worth his salt knows that the Achilles heal, of all Correctional Officers is........making them work. It's like throwing a cat in water they fucking flip out. Think about it, if you were a fat fucking lazy ass slob would you want to go up two whole flights of stairs if you didn't have too??..... I didn't think so. This is why when you are in any type of cell you always hide your contraband someplace where the CO's would have to work to find it. And this would go on until the cops got permission to put the "Dome" on the door. The dome is a big hard transparent plastic thing that attaches to the outside of the cell door to muffle people like Jackmove who are "Door kickers." I used to enjoy this because it's like watching TV. After a couple days I managed to hustle a Catholic priest who was going cell to cell preaching his nonsense out of a bible, so at least now I had something to read. I had never really read the bible (am I supposed to capitalize bible?), but when I started to get into it, it really blew my mind. This has to be the most idiotic fucking thing ever written. I honestly believe that if you put a court reporter in a room full of kids with Down Syndrome and asked them how the world came to be you would get a much better book. Anywho, that bible actually was a godsend because as I was saying earlier I had no toilet paper, so hopefully there really is no God, because if there is I think I'm pretty much screwed. For about 3 weeks I languished in this loony bin until finally they called me down to have my disciplinary hearing. The disciplinary hearing is a kangaroo court, when you get accused of something it's a CO who writes the report and then a week or two later when you go to your hearing you go in front of another CO who is probably fishing buddies with the CO who wrote you up in the first place. Needless to say I had never plead "not guilty" to a report and won, I also was always lying about being innocent but you would think that if it was a fair trial that I would at least win once. The cops shackle me up and lead me down to the office where the hearings are held, I'm led into the office in front of a female Lieutenant who's sitting behind a desk, then I'm made to sit down in a chair. She starts to ramble on about my "rights" that she's not going to recognize, and about the "due process" that she'll throw out the window as soon as its convenient, and then we get down to business. She asks me to state what happened, so I start telling all sorts of outrageous lies about the whole incident, about how Officer Isaacs grabbed me by the balls and I was just trying to back away. She cuts me off in mid-sentence and calls me a liar. (how could she have possibly known that I was lying, she wasn't even taking into consideration that my lie might be true!?) What a fucking bitch! Then, when I stated how unfair this whole hearing was a very curious thing happened. In her haughty arrogance she declared that she was going to call my boss (Officer Bell) and ask him exactly what happened. So she gets on the phone and calls him, and asks him whether I hit Isaacs or not, and for some reason that I will never be able to understand....he said....NO! HA HA stupid fucking Lieutenant! Like I said before I have no idea why Bell did that for me, maybe he didn't like Isaacs either or may he thought that I had given him what he deserved, I'll probably never know. I could have gotten another year added to my sentence if I had been found guilty and would have had to do that year in the Security Housing Unit (SHU) which is not a happy place. So this sea hag Lieutenant has to let me go back to my old yard. As I was escorted back to my cell I was absolutely elated as you can imagine, plus by this time the cops were begrudgingly feeding me and giving me toilet paper and toothpaste. The next day I get the word to pack up my shit because I'm going back to the yard! I threw all my stuff into a laundry bag that they had given me and then they proceeded to escort me back to good ol' "A" yard. It was a nice afternoon outside as we walked through the prison and arrived at the Work Change station and hey, even my buddy Isaacs was working! I walk into the shack and take off my clothes and put them up there with my clothing bag with a giant grin on my face, I walk through the metal detector with a skip in my step, I come around to the other side of his booth to collect my things, and watch as Isaac takes my lunch that they gave me in the hole out of my clothing bag and hands me everything but my LUNCH! So I did the first thing that came to my mind....I sat the fuck down on the floor in my boxers. "Rye get the fuck out of here!" "Gimme my lunch." "Get the fuck out of here!" "Gimme my lunch." it went back and forth like this for a while until finally I told him to call the "A" yard Lieutenant (not the same one as before) because I wasn't going anywhere. So the cop who was escorting me gets on her radio and calls the Program Office and explains to the yard Lieutenant what the problem is. She talks for a minute and then looks up at Isaacs and says.."I couldn't get a hold of the Lieutenant but the Yard Sergeant says to just give him the stupid fucking lunch." Haaaa!! Take that you stupid piece of shit Isaacs!! Stickin' it to the man folks!! Best goddamn baloney sandwich I ever ate too!! The moral of the story is never give up even if it is only a baloney sandwich.

More Prison Shenanigans Part 1

It could have a been a day like any other at Wasco State Prison, the Nazi's were frolicking, the Crips were Crippin', the Mexican Southsider's were wearing tube socks up to their knees.

It was a most beautiful, idyllic, and oddly calm day.

I've always felt that the part that I most enjoyed during my residency in prison was that you never quite knew what was about to happen.

One minute it's just another boring mind numbing day, and the next a million Mexicans with knives are chasing twenty unlucky black men around the yard.

I was working in the dining hall at the time, and was finishing up my daily duties serving chow, mopping floors, hiding sugar to make pruno, and stealing cinnamon rolls.

A few days previously for reasons that I do not know the prison administration including the warden had decided that instead of ordering more toilet paper, shower soap, or any other essential items that they never seemed to have enough of, they would install cameras all over the dining room and in the kitchen instead.

It is obviously pointless to install camera's in high level California prisons because the whole purpose of a surveillance camera is that it acts as a "deterrent" to anti-social behavior because the parties involved do not want to be caught on film.

But this is irrelevant because California inmates adhere to the theory of "I really don't give a fuck if I get caught." I think most of the convicts working in the kitchen took offense not to the cameras themselves but to the fact that they felt prison officials were doubting them.

So as soon as the maintenance crew had installed the last camera and left, the question was now of course "What can we throw at the cameras?" It all started out harmless enough, eggs were thrown, as well as other random pieces of food, the cameras were placed up high in the corners so they proved a formidable target.

After about ten minutes the officer on duty "Bell," gets his first call from the command center that his inmates are throwing shit at the cameras, we could easily see him coming out of his office so we'd scatter like the little assholes we were, and then he would return to his office and go back to sleep.

This went on for a few days, Bell would just be getting to sleep and then his phone would ring and he'd come out screaming more angry about getting screwed out of his nap time than anything we were doing to the stupid fucking cameras.

Finally though one day Bell had decided that he's had enough and told us that the next time he got a call about us nobody was gonna get a lunch.

You see, the way it works in prison is that you wake up in the morning and walk to the chow hall, when you're finished eating you walk outside and there's about twenty cops waiting to frisk you to make sure that you're not hiding any apples to make wine, these cops are known as the ATF (Apple Task Force). Then there's a bunch of racks full of bag lunches and you grab one.

But since we worked the breakfast shift we didn't get our bag lunches until we got off of work at around 11:00AM. So of course some jerk decides he's gonna call officer Bell's bluff and throws a six inch

pan at one of the cameras and shatters the lens...fuck.

Bell was one of the few officers that I had met during my incarceration that I actually liked and respected, he was a good man but we had pushed him too far, he grabbed the rack of lunches and locked it in his office, nobody was getting shit now.

Well, at least all those dumb fucks back there except for me, because I'm a certified genius and I had the foresight to stash away a lunch...ha ha I got baloney. So, our shift ends but you can't go back to the yard until you go through "work change." Work change is where every inmate returning from work has to go, basically you wait in line like your at the fucking DMV and they take five at a time into the little guard shack and they strip you naked, then you put your clothes on the counter and the cop inside searches your clothes, then you walk through the metal detector to make sure you don't have a machete stashed up your ass, now you are on the yard side and the cop in the booth hands you your clothes.

I cannot for the life of me recall the cops name who used to work in the booth but he was one of the biggest assholes in the whole prison, god I used to hate that punk.

So anyways I put my dirty ass work clothes on the counter and then put my lunch on top of the heap and walk through the metal detector to the other side but this jerk only hands me my clothes... and keeps the lunch. You know I realize that I'm a criminal and all but damn can I at least keep my baloney sandwich? Ruthless bastards. And then when I ask him to give me my lunch he...he laughed at me. You got me fucked up.

I ask him again and he tells me to get the fuck out; so naturally I proceeded to politely disrespect his manhood, his family, and then informed him what a foul skank his daughter probably was, and cursed all his ancestors dating back to the pilgrims as well as everything else that I had a feeling he stood for.

Apparently something that I said to him was true because he came flying out of the booth and told me to get up against the wall face first, and in true form I told him to go fuck himself.

He then tried to grab me with his weak little bitch arms and twist me around, so I did what I felt was right...I socked his punk ass.

Punching a Correctional Officer in prison is an incredibly exhilarating, satisfying feeling. For the split second that it takes to actually hit him, and see his face cringing in cowardly terror before he hits the panic buton on his belt. Then, quite quickly, you are in a world of shit, because every Officer in the whole institution is going to come running towards the source of the alarm and pepprer spray the dog shit out of you.

So needless to say I was dragged off to the hole, in shackles, by the fascist anti-baloney sandwich Gestapo, where I languished for a few months (I'll write about my time in the hole in another post).

You might be a douchebag if.........

You know, a lot of people just assume that Jeff Foxworthy sucks and has no talent whatsoever, though for the most part this is true I think he may have been on to something, but honestly who really cares about rednecks?? As long as they have church and guns they pretty much just want to be left alone to dwell on various conspiracy theories, and participate in Militia drills, the real problem with this country is that we have been overrun by douchebags (fuck you spell-check, douchebag is one word).

So since I'm running out of shit to write about this is my list of......YOU MIGHT BE A DOUCHEBAG IF......

1. You named any of your children, or you yourself are named after any type of fruit, vegetable, day of the week, month, animal, or color.
2. You are a man and you wear "Crocs" sandals, or black and white checker Van's
3. You are a white boy and you insist on wearing your hat "cocked" ...congrats, you is a muhfuckin' douchebag
4. If you wear a bluetooth headset not only are you a douchebag but someone needs to hurt you
5. You are a dude and it was your idea to go out for sushi
6. and then you scoff at someone for ordering "California rolls" even though it's the only thing that kind of tastes halfway decent.
7. If you volunteer for PETA in any way you are such a fucking douchebag
8. If you refer to your tongue as a "pallet"
9. If you say anything about a "bouquet"or "aroma" when talking about wine
10. If you are a dude and spend more than $15 on a haircut
11. If your hair is messy and has gel in it, then that means that you made your hair look that way on purpose and you are a fucking douchebag
12. If you have a "wing" on the back of your front wheel drive car
13. If you're a guy and you've ever paid someone to clip your finger or toe nails you're probably a douchebag
14. If your name isn't Usher and you're wearing aviator sunglasses
15. You consider yourself a "values voter"
16. You are woman and your sunglasses are so big they touch your forehead
17. If you hang out a Starbucks
18. If you order any type of coffee with whip cream on it
19. Oh, if your name is Skylar you are a douchebag....sorry almost forgot....
20. If you truly and honestly really give a fuck about what celebrities are doing you are a hopeless douchebag
21. If you're over 12 and you've voted on American Idol.....Jesus Christ people....
22. Speaking of Jesus, if you still think he's coming back after 2000 years you are a douchebag
23. If you think that Glenn Beck has some really good ideas and hang on his every word
24. If you don't think that the kids on NYC prep should be shot on sight
25. If you use the phrase "hooking up" at all when talking about members of the opposite sex
26. If you get up a 6 in the morning to go get your tires rotated
27. If you think parking your car into the garage backwards actually keeps the garage cooler you're a douche
28. If you've ever used the phrase "it is what it is," or "freedom isn't free."
29. If you decide to name your band "Kings of Leon"
30. If you've spent this much time writing about douchebags you are a douchebag
31. If you wear jewelry on the outside of your shirt
32. If you feel the need to argue with someone in the comment area on Youtube
33. If you can't finish a sentence without using the word "like" eg... "Like, oh my god i'm like such a fucking douchebag."
    
34. If you wear a "soul patch" chances are that you are a douchebag
35. If you think you are "awesome" by default because you're from California
36. If you have idea's on what makes a douchebag that are better than these shitty one's email them to me at nietzschean23@gmail.com... then for the time being you aren't a douchebag

Look, I had really promised myself that I wasn't going to comment on my shitty fucking blog about anything having to do with national politics, but hey I'm a criminal and a liar so fuck y'all. Everyday all day the news is focused on health care reform and all the hoopla surrounding it, but without a doubt the most dreadful part of the whole process has the been footage of the town hall meetings. This is the problem as I see it......the average American is an absolute un-informed fucking idiot. Can someone please explain to me how trying to pass health care reform bills that would break the monopoly of health insurance companies, and allow everyone the opportunity to own medical insurance makes Barack Obama a Nazi?? This is the jist of their argument, "Hitler was a Socialist, Barack Obama wants to pass health care reform therefore Obama is a Socialist, therefore he is a Nazi!"....HUH? This reminds me of that South Park episode when Johnny Cochrane used the "Wookie" defense to clear his client of murder. Following this logic, since Nazi Germany had cars and America has cars this means Americans are Nazi's.....WTF?? Or since Adolph Hitler claimed that 2+2=4 it must not be true because Hitler was a bad man. I sit and watch the news slack-jawed in disbelief because this has got to be the only country in the world where it's considered cool to be stupid. "Hey look at me I'm an ignorant fucking dumbass fuck yeah....Go America!!" The Republicans and their constituents can never speak in "facts" and discuss "issues" because they have no leg to stand on so they must always resort to rabble rousing. "Barack Obama an' his Nazi's are tryin' to kill yer Gramma!" "Their tryin' ta kill ma' Gramma???!!......Obama's tryin' ta' kill ma Gramma ya'll!! We gotta go make some posters and go to tha' town hall meetin, and shout shit thet' don't make no sense!!" Yes, yes moron they actually put a provision into the health care reform bill stating that if your Grandmother get's too old or sick they're going to have to put her down.....ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? Or they try to change the subject, "Obama's tryin' ta' take away yer right to bear Gatling guns, and Surface to air missles!!" "Whaddayuh mean ah' cain't have ma' missle's? Next thing ya' know Obama'll try ta' take ma' laser." What does the Second Amendment have to do with health care? People are showing up to these town hall meetings with guns strapped to their hips... are the town meetings being held in the Sunni Triangle or something? Militiaman why have you left your compound in the hills and why are you strapped?? All these people have got to be Christians, because only a Christian could convince themselves to believe some crazy ass shit like that. Plus Christians always love a good conspiracy theory. The only problem that I'm starting to have with the whole health care movement after watching all this is that when the bill passes it's going to keep these yokels healthy enough to spawn and perpetuate their stupidity.

Hellivision

I was fully aware of how bad television had become long before my incarceration, it was the beginning of the reality TV craze but naively I had assumed that it would mercifully die. How wrong I was...... How wrong indeed. I was at my father's house and his step daughters were watching a show called "More to Love".....First of all, has Hollywood just completely run out of fucking idea's? The dating shows have always been popular, The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, etc etc, they even had one a couple of years ago where the guy wears a mask so none of the girls can see his goofy fucked up face, but apparently this wasn't good enough. Now they've got More to Love where they hook up a bunch of ......fat people?!....yes fat people! They've been having all these public service announcements on TV stressing the importance of a balanced diet and exercise, passing laws to get rid of trans fat, but has anyone ever considered that maybe the reason why people in this country are so goddamn fat is because we're rewarding them for not keeping the fork out of their mouths? "Hey Todd, congrats on being 29 and already achieving the whole morbid obesity thing, well... we're thinking about doing a dating show about a bunch of fat fucks, and we're willing to pay you in pie...are you interested?" And just out of curiosity how do you ask a woman to be on a show that takes advantage of the fact that she has completely let herself go? "Uh...hi Janet, yeah um how would you like to be on TV?" "OMG, I've always wanted to be famous, what kind of show is it??" "Um, well it's a, a...dating show, about uh, plus size women." "What do you mean plus size women, I'm not plus size, that is so disrespectful?!?!" "Well, Janet it's a show about fat chicks...you know don't take it uh, personally, but I mean you are kind of fat....but on the positive side we're going to shoot the show at IHOP." "OK fuck it I'm in." I've never been able to bring myself to watch this fucking disaster but I do wonder about the logistics of the whole thing.........So when the bachelor picks a girl what does he hand her? A rose, or a bacon cheeseburger? Instead of hooking up in the hot tub do they roll around in a kiddie pool full of cream corn? Will he decide not to pick a girl because she doesn't have enough back fat? We must all ask ourselves, do we really need another Jerry Springer Show?? But the most obvious thing about these shows is that eventually they will have to come to an end and the powers that be will have to push the envelope yet further, and thus I do believe that I have hit upon what is probably the most kick ass idea for a dating show ever............A dating show for retarded people. Yup retards baby, bad ass huh?!?! Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't want to watch a retarded couple making out, or scheming behind each others backs? (and how come they don't make retard porn, if they do it's not on the internet?) I would call the show "Down With The Love Syndrome." When its time for the Down Syndrome bachelor to pick a girl he'll hand her a Frisbee, they'll all go on bonding field trips to play passionate games of Duck Duck Goose and Simon Says. Instead of asking a girl whether she likes him or not he'll just pass her a note......Do you like me? YES or NO check one please..............They already gave Flavor Flav a show so I don't understand why this show would be beyond the realm of good taste, this is just taking the next logical step, The Bachelor will wear a blue helmet and the girls could wear pink helmets, instead of rolling up in limousines they will arrive on short buses, all you would have to feed them is Jello and hotdogs. Since the economy is in the shitter you could save so much money this way. They already have the Special Olympics so why not "Special dating games?" It would create absolute pandemonium, STAR magazine paparazzi would plaster photographs of Petey and his new girlfriend as they scurry into Sky Bar trying to escape them. Then after that we could do a dating game starring Blind Mutes, and do all the filming on site at the Braille Institute of Kentucky, maybe it would start a Sign Language craze.

This article is actually a critique of Western civilization and is meant to be tongue in cheek please do not make a reality show about retarded people, because that would be so fucked up. Satan is calling me back to hell so I gotta go now.

This is a letter from my good friend St. James Harris woods, although he is really no saint, and is currently incarcerated in California Men's Colony for bank robbery, he is a writer of short stories and poems that have been published in numerous high brow Marxist publications. His website is darklyabsurd.com and the man is a fucking genius, except for chess in which I routinely thrashed him on the yard. This is his last letter to me, which is partly a "rabble" letter which he sends to everyone else.

Young Rye!

What's up buttercup?!?!? I don't really have time for a full fledged letter, but here's the latest one for the rabble, though you're not really the rabble. YOU are the elite. Ex-convict/fool. I'll write a real one as soon as I think of something-real. It might interest you to know that I have a weary team of psychiatrists and psychologists at my disposal and they have determined that I am not mentally ill. What am I then? I ask, and they only mutter. I've had a number of cellies more easily diagnosed. The latest in a long line of troubled convicts is named Scooter. It's certain that his problem has been found because he takes anti-psychotic medications (plural!). These pills cause him to occasionally jerk around like a cartoon character doing a double-take. Scooter and I didn't last long together because he calmly, dispassionately told me a few stories about his past misdeeds that raised the hair on my neck. The day I realized he had to go was the day he started trying to get his doctors to make his meds "on call", ordinarily set up for people on pain medication. I theorized that if you suddenly feel the need for anti-psychotic medications, well...it's too late. Scooter didn't agree and I asked him to move./ /// // We need to observe a moment of silence for my beloved Brother ML300 Typewriter which finally gave up the electronic ghost. A brave and capable machine, it served me well here in the hellhole. It's near miraculous that ML300 survived even half of the seven years and 17,500 hours (I did the math) of my relentless pummeling and pounding. Asking for nothing except small amounts of electricity and lubricant my typewriter faithfully followed me from prison to prison and was bold on command. Although it ate more ribbon than was healthy (or I could afford), it checked the spelling of every single word, and comically argued that the words fuck and protocol didn't exist. In a noisy ceremony my friends and I smashed the elderly typewriter into a thousand pieces and flushed them down the toilet where ML300 will presumably end up at sea where it will hopefully provide one last service by choking the seagulls who travel miles in order to fly over our yard and crap on us. / / // // / / I'm asking friends and other interested parties to send my fairly lovable sister Terri an email (saintjameswood@hotmail.com) so that she can email you and let you know when I move, like I did earlier last month. If you haven't noticed yet, please note that I am now in cell #6233. Let's suppose I move again or end up in the hole thanks to some sort of penitentiary hi-jinks, Terri will email all interested parties with the news. I'm actually still getting letters, refection notices, magazines, postcards and other stuff from Tehachapi where I last dwelt six years ago. Convicts aren't allowed computers under any circumstances.

Oh yeah, here's something strange. We have had no summer. It's almost August and every day starts out with fog all the way up to nine in the morning and then the hottest it gets is like 80 degrees, and usually not that. Today in Portland, Oregon it was 105and here it was 78 . what's up Al Gore?!?!?!

Go into the light,

Saint James

P.S The library has fallen into the hands of rank idiots

Send Stamps!?

How I Could Just Kill A Man

'Beware of all those in whom the urge to punish is strong'..Nietzsche

I just finished watching this documentary on the National Geographic channel about these inmates on Death Row in Huntsville, Texas, and because I have no life and I live in the middle of the fucking desert, it got me thinking. One question that I have is why does everything always have to be so goddamn clever all the time? You should see the process that they go through just to execute one guy. Never mind all the appeals and stuff, I'm talking about how they actually carry out a death sentence. They've turned something so simple into something so convoluted, and complicated that only a Medical Doctor, or Stephen Hawking has the know-how to carry out the sentence. "Well, first we'll inject him with a dose of Benedryl, in case he has a stuffy nose, then we rub his tummy counterclockwise, then we inject him with roofies, after this we inject him with 15 other chemicals only found on the surface of a comet, while the inmate solves a Rubik's cube before we eventually kill him. People, honestly how hard is it to just chop a motherfuckers head off? Do we really need to reinvent the wheel on this one? Some seriously bored people must come up with these idiotic ideas....."Wait! By jove I think I've got it! What we'll do is get a wood chair and hook it up to an industrial strength generator, then we'll attach the condemned into it with 50 straps, then we place a wet sponge on top of dude's head.....and pump a bolt of lightning through his face until his eyeballs pop out!" Whoever comes up with this shit like this must have spent way too much time watching Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street, maybe they think that if they don't kill the condemned a "certain way" they might "come back" like Freddy Kruger for revenge, so they feel they have to come up with ingenious and creative ways to kill someone. And the main reason they stopped using the electric chair is because its "cruel and unusual punishment" as if now their Nelson fucking Mandela, what a bunch of cowardly hypocrites if you ask me. Uh, well you're executing someone so yeah it's probably considered cruelty.....and you're sticking 50 different needles into another human just to kill him, or shocking them to death with electricity so I guess that would be a little on the unusual side. I'm not against the death penalty, but I am against the hypocrisy and stupidity of the whole thing. Look at all the challenges to the Supreme Court there have been because nobody knows whether the person "feels pain" or not, (YOU ARE KILLING SOMEONE, ITS GONNA HURT ASSHOLES), all the time and money wasted when all you had to do was shoot him in the back of the head, or put him in the Guillotine, but the only reason you don't want to do it that way is because "its not pretty" at least then there would be no doubt...."Um, well, we chopped his head off with a giant meat cleaver, so we're gonna go ahead and assume he didn't suffer a whole lot." Let's all quit pretending that it's not "real" killing that somehow its different from other unnatural deaths, a death, is a death, is a death. These Texans are the biggest bunch of bitches I've ever seen in my life, they walk around with boots and 10 gallon hats like they're some big macho cowboys, but then they need some some scrawny little doctor to do their dirty work and keep the blood off their own hands.....

The Good Life

Do you hate working? Are you tired of being homeless and getting your "hustle on" at the bus stop? Does panhandling take way too much time and effort for you? A revolutionary new approach to the art of Hobology has been discovered.....And it's free! All you have to do is follow these 12 easy steps and you'll be on your way to the good life!

1. Throw down your crutches, and kick your stolen wheelchair to the curb, because this systematic approach to "getting shit for free" is so effective you don't even need to pretend that you're a cripple anymore.

2. Find the nearest Rite Aid or Longs drugs

3. Ok, you're in. Now, making yourself as noticeable as possible make a bee line straight for the beer section.

4. Whew! You made it! Open the cooler and grab the first bottle of Malt Liquor you see and smash that motherfucker on the floor, all eyes should be on you now.

5. Grab another bottle of the finest Malt Liquor they got, open it and start drinking it as fast as you can!

6. All employees should be panicking by this time, and threatening to call the cops, but all you should do is tell em' "Suck my dick." and open up another cold one! Fuck yeah....

7. Ok, finallly they realize that you mean business, the cops are on their way, but little do they know they're playing right into your hands!......."Suckers," you think to yourself.

8. It is now a race against time, pound as much free beer as you can, and every once in a while scream "Thug Life!" to no one in particular, because you want to scare off any potential "heroes"

9. Finally, the sorry ass police show up, but just keep drinking until they threaten to pepper spray you, because nothin' will sober you up quicker than a face full of mace.

10. Yesssss! The cops put you in handcuffs, but you're drunk as hell so who really gives a fuck? You are on your way jail, and...and wait a minute...its only 3:30pm? You're just in time for dinner! Could life be any better?

11. Now they put you in the holding tank, they deliver some bomb ass casserole with noodles and real meat in it, some real life clean clothes, and sheets and plus you're still pretty drunk!! Badass!!

12. And now for the grand finale, they take you to your own studio apartment! It's got a metal bunk, a chromed out sink and toilet, you pause to brush a tear from your cheek, you have finally attained the American dream........fuck yeah, you whisper to yourself......fuck yeah.............

Godforsaken Fresno

Every time I turn on the National Geographic channel or some other station concerning animals and their behavior either in captivity or in the wild, I wonder to myself how it could be that they have never decided to do a documentary on the particularly aggressive "bum" colonies residing in Fresno, Ca. What makes this sub species particularly noteworthy is the way that they are able to adapt to their environment, maybe they'll use a prop such as a wheelchair or crutch that they stole from the VA hospital, many of these hobo's have become so brazen that they'll wear better clothes than you and when you dare to only give them a quarter they call you a "deadbeat." When handing over money to these people you have the notion that this man probably has more money in his pocket than you do. The prime methodology now in use by the "apparently homeless" of Fresno is what I call the "Pyramid Tactic" here's an example of this, when used on me one day.

Here's the situation.....I've had a long day at work and I'm downtown waiting for the bus to take me home to the ghetto, I've got about 15 minutes to kill until it arrives so I go to this donut shop that has the most exquisite bear claws in all of downtown Fresno. I approach the establishment with great skill and elusiveness making sure not to make eye contact with anyone, I hurriedly grab 2 of my beloved bear claws and a quart of milk from the evil Viet Cong lady behind the counter and scurry to the bench in the far back of the Park & Ride. I pull out the first bear claw and proceed to wolf it halfway down because eating such a delicacy at the bus stop is a race against time. I look up and see a scrawny bum eying my prize....fuck.

Bum: Say man you got a dollar? (they always ask for a dollar first)

Me: Naw

Bum: You got any change man?

Me: Uh, I spent it all at the donut shop. (I thought I was being clever, but all this did was draw attention to my bear claw and my backup bear claw.)

Bum: You got an extra donut, can I get it?

Me: No

Bum: How bout' a bite of the one your eating (notice the progression here)

Me: No

It goes from top to bottom, from what he wants most to what he wants least, but still wants.

Also, as a piece of advice to all you smokers out there, never pull out a brand new pack of cigarettes and start packing them in public, a Fresno bum can pick up these vibrations from many blocks away, they seem to have evolved some sort of bat-like echolocation adaptation and then you won't be able to lie and say that you only have one cigarette left. The city of Fresno has made feeble redneck attempts to do something about the problem, they called a top secret meeting of all the power players, and geniuses residing in the city, engineers, quantum physicists, and the like and what did they come up with you ask? They called for every welder in the city to meet up in the downtown area, and then paid them to weld 2 curving metal elbow joint poles to the seat, and back rest of every bench in the whole town! It was an amazing feat of innovation and cunning! .............Bum proof benches! Fuck yeah! Take that bums, where you gonna sleep now? Unfortunately the only thing this accomplished was making the homeless even more filthy because now they had to sleep in the dirt. We shouldn't be too surprised at this approach though because this was the same city council and mayor who were trumpeting in the Fresno Bee about all these modernization projects they wanted to do in the downtown Fresno area for months and were paying some mysterious firm a million dollars to build a scale model of what the city was going to look like in 20 years. One day they announced that the model was complete and were going to have a grand unveiling of it, with all the media present as well as various other pomp and circumstance surrounding this momentous day. They were covering it live on the news and the mayor himself took the pleasure of removing the shroud from over the model and revealed..........................the most glorious work of art ever created made out of................... Legos!!!....Legos?? Fucking Legos! and wait a minute.....Tinkertoys too!!! I am not fucking lying go to fresnobeehive.com and type in Lego Model in the search engine and there it is in all its gloriously shitty Legoness. (the picture at the top of this article is an actual photo of "downtown Fresno.") Plus they didn't even paint the legos! So I guess they're planning on having green, red,yellow, and blue buildings. God, I wish I could have listened in on the meetings when they were coming up with this idea.

Idiot Fresno Person 1: uuuhh, we gonna build uh mowdle uf downtown Fresno

Idiot Fresno Person 2: Derrrr, Otay

Idiot Fresno Person 3: How we gonna build da mowdle?

Idiot Fresno Person 1: We don't have no money so we gonna build it with Legos

Idiot Fresno Person 2: I got some tinker toys!

You have got to be fucking kidding me, honestly I do not think that I have ever laughed harder in my entire life. I actually came close to feeling sorry for these dumbasses, standing in front of this Lego-Tinker toy monstrosity all proud like they just got done building the Eiffel Tower or something. How do you sit there while someone proposes to build a city government project with fucking Legos, and not only do you not beat this person up, you applaud his ingenious idea? Unfortunately there as of yet is no cure for stupidity so for the mean time Fresno is screwed but I do have a solution for the bum problem, in a future post......

Alcoholics Amongus

It was all too real, and there was nothing that I could do about it, helpless and alone trying to overcome the instinct to panic and flee, but somehow, I managed to grin and bear it......my friends......I was trapped in an A.A meeting. Through the last 70 years that this organization has been around they have perfected their own brand of psychological warfare, I refer to it as "Torture by Psychobabble." This method is the most insidious brand of torture ever devised by man, they purposely try to confuse and disorient, (Fuck water boarding, make the terrorists go to A.A meetings) they scoff at religion as the height of absurdity yet instead of 10 commandments they have 12 and 10 of these either say "God" outright or imply it. When asked about this paradox they then throw in the trump card, "Oh, well it's not God, its a God of your understanding." .........what the fuck??? God of my understanding? I've been told before in meetings when it is discovered that I am an atheist that I can "Have anything for a higher power you could even pray to the rafters!" (I have really and honestly been told this on numerous occasions) So following this logic if you tell someone at an A.A meeting that you pray to "Dirt Bike Mike from Tujunga" or the Magic Dragon "Humphrey the Hermaphrodite" this would be considered the height of wisdom and you would probably get some people to convert. You will always hear it said that in the beginning of your "recovery" you should go to 90 meetings in 90 days, this is a trick, A double blind study was done in the early 1990's that confirmed that 1 A.A meeting reduces your I.Q by 1/2 a point until it bottoms out at 92 at which point you will have become sufficiently stupid to believe and accept the gospel of A.A. Sitting through one of these meetings is like sitting in a room with 20 demented toddlers trying to explain to you the meaning of life. My own mother has been lured in to this cult......damn you A.A!! The most tell tale sign of A.A addiction is the propensity to blame everything on alcohol, let me give you an example. When I had first arrived in Utah I was taken very ill, I have no idea what it was but I was vomiting periodically and basically I felt like fucking shit, humans get sick from time to time so you just try to rest and deal with it. So I'm lying in my room watching T.V in a cold sweat and all the sudden my mom pops into my room. Shit! I didn't even have a chance to pretend that I was asleep, and to make matters worse she's holding a book. I would know that goddamn book anywhere it was the "big book" the Alcoholics Anonymous high bullshit manifesto.....fuck. "Oh, hi mom, I was just, uh, about to fall asleep." And she starts asking me how I'm feeling and everything, the typical mom stuff and I'm thinking OK maybe she doesn't have any tricks up her sleeve.....wrong. She begins to tell me that the reason I'm feeling so sick is because I'm not working the steps!! Steps? Was she talking about A.A steps? Wow! I didn't even know A.A cures colds! "Are you fucking serious??" I replied. (I had quit drinking years ago so I must have been experiencing one hell of a flash back hangover.) At this point I was ready to walk back to prison and see if they would let me have my old cell, because the whole "being free" thing didn't seem to be working out. Then she gives me the argument that every cult, religion, or scam uses "Well how do you know it won't help if you don't try it?" to which I replied, "There were a lot of Indians that thought if you went out in a field and danced a certain way it would make it rain, so why don't you go over in that abandoned lot and dance for a while to make sure that it's not true." Here's some more A.A logic take the first step.....the very first fucking step people. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable." Sounds good right? Well, let me ask you this: If someone hasn't drank in 20 years how in the fuck are they powerless over alcohol? Powerless means you have "No" power, for instance "I am powerless over clouds" this means that there isn't a goddamn thing I can do about fucking clouds. People need to quit blaming everything else for their own shortcomings, like calling alcoholism a disease, my mom swears up and down that it's a disease, Uh, AIDS is a fucking disease, and as far as I know you can't go to a group and talk your way out of AIDS. "For me to be sober is proof of miracles!" is another idiotic statement you'll hear at one of these meetings. First of all what kind of shitty miracle is that? Evidently your "higher power" isn't very creative " Oh Sally I shall bless thee with the power to stop being a drunk whore"..... Let me chop off your head and if it grows back then I'll concede that it is was definitely a miracle. Just because something unlikely happens doesn't mean shit, and just because you want something to be true doesn't make it true. So go fuck yourself A.A jerk.

Spaceballs

Let me say first that I am a Nerd. I have come to terms with this. I have a painful addiction to chess, I've read all of Michio Kaku's books, and have an odd fascination with the writings of Nietzsche, I also spend way too much time hanging out at the library, everyday I go to the Scientific American website in hopes that they've finally developed room temperature superconductors or hand held death lasers. Lately though, there's lots of talk about colonizing the Moon in preparation for an expedition to Mars, everyone seems very excited, everyday a new documentary pops up on the Science channel hosted by some prominent physicist talking about Moon rovers, and how astronauts would mine Hydrogen to make rocket fuel. There is an "X" prize worth 20 million dollars to the first team that can send a lunar rover to the Moon take a picture and fly itself back to mother Earth. Wow!! how exciting!! humans are on the verge of colonizing outer space!! Sucks to be you, Universe cuz we're comin'! It really does sound pretty fucking cool, the technology is all there, but there is just one question.....Why? Some dudes already went to the Moon in the 1960's and when they got there they confirmed the suspicion that .......there's nothing fucking there, that's why they call it the goddamn moon. Any jerk with some binoculars at night could've told NASA what they spent billions of dollars to confirm. So now they want to colonize it! Aren't these the same slum lords that never finished building the Space Station? They call it a space station as if it's like some hardcore Star Trek gangster shit, what it really looks like is a bunch of sewer pipes welded together and wrapped in tin foil, many nations have spent ridiculous amounts of cash so that a bunch of douche bags can figure out how to grow a tomato in space. I'm pretty sure all you need is dirt and a tomato seed, or just go to Walmart. So then the next plan is to go to Mars, once again....Why? Mars is basically the Moon except it takes 2 years flying in space just to get there, when the astronauts first arrive this is what the conversation will sound like.

Spacemen: "Well, mission control we've arrived, and we've uh, encountered a lot of dirt, so um, we went ahead and put some in a jar, what do we do now?"

Mission Control: Is it normal dirt or really cool dirt?

Spacemen: It's uh, pretty cool, kind of reddish.

Mission Control: Haa! Just as we suspected! Good work spacemen. Are there any signs of monsters?

Spacemen: We're reporting no monsters at this time, but we have discovered some pretty neat rocks.

Mission Control: Rocks you say! This will revolutionize the field of Mars geology! Fuck yeah spacemen!

Spacemen: Fuck yeah mission control, these are some bad ass rocks we found, pretty big too.

Mission Control: But no monsters, huh? Are you sure the rocks aren't really eggs?

Spacemen: We forgot the hammers, but we managed to bust one open and there are no monsters inside, I repeat, no monsters.

Mission Control: Well, keep your eyes peeled spacemen good luck and godspeed.

Spacemen: Roger that.

Here's another factor to consider, assuming that we do get all the pieces into play to go to Mars....who the fuck are we gonna find to send?? Who is going to volunteer to at least a 4 year round trip to fucking Mars, to be bombarded with radiation, cabin fever, and a lack of Internet porn? This sounds to me like the shittiest road trip ever devised, if you work for NASA it means that you are probably pretty damn smart and not stupid enough to agree to go get killed on another goddamn planet. This means that you have to find idiots that would agree to do this, but an idiot will just fuck everything up.......because he's a fucking idiot. Plus, remember, the first thing the US ever sent into orbit was a Monkey, and as they were strapping him in on the launch pad that Monkey looked pretty pissed off about the whole thing. You always hear the argument: "Human beings have an innate desire to explore, to search out new worlds, look at Christopher Columbus setting out to discover the New World, or Lewis and Clark looking for the Pacific Ocean." And to this I respond, Christopher Columbus was the 50 cent of his day and he was gonna "get rich or die tryin'" and to my knowledge Mars ain't made out of a giant gold nugget. Lewis and Clark got to ride on horseback for their whole journey, I dunno maybe they were very complicated futuristic horses or something, plus there's "air" West of the Mississippi since they were traveling on "Earth." But there is one last reason why this is a stupid idea......George Bush was the one who got on T.V and proposed it, because unless you absolutely, positivly want to turn something into a giant clusterfuck you do the exact opposite of whatever Bush thinks, I was just waiting for him to say Mars had W.M.D and hated freedom. The moral of this rant is, just because you "can" do something doesn't mean you "should."