The Good Life

Do you hate working? Are you tired of being homeless and getting your "hustle on" at the bus stop? Does panhandling take way too much time and effort for you? A revolutionary new approach to the art of Hobology has been discovered.....And it's free! All you have to do is follow these 12 easy steps and you'll be on your way to the good life!

1. Throw down your crutches, and kick your stolen wheelchair to the curb, because this systematic approach to "getting shit for free" is so effective you don't even need to pretend that you're a cripple anymore.

2. Find the nearest Rite Aid or Longs drugs

3. Ok, you're in. Now, making yourself as noticeable as possible make a bee line straight for the beer section.

4. Whew! You made it! Open the cooler and grab the first bottle of Malt Liquor you see and smash that motherfucker on the floor, all eyes should be on you now.

5. Grab another bottle of the finest Malt Liquor they got, open it and start drinking it as fast as you can!

6. All employees should be panicking by this time, and threatening to call the cops, but all you should do is tell em' "Suck my dick." and open up another cold one! Fuck yeah....

7. Ok, finallly they realize that you mean business, the cops are on their way, but little do they know they're playing right into your hands!......."Suckers," you think to yourself.

8. It is now a race against time, pound as much free beer as you can, and every once in a while scream "Thug Life!" to no one in particular, because you want to scare off any potential "heroes"

9. Finally, the sorry ass police show up, but just keep drinking until they threaten to pepper spray you, because nothin' will sober you up quicker than a face full of mace.

10. Yesssss! The cops put you in handcuffs, but you're drunk as hell so who really gives a fuck? You are on your way jail, and...and wait a minute...its only 3:30pm? You're just in time for dinner! Could life be any better?

11. Now they put you in the holding tank, they deliver some bomb ass casserole with noodles and real meat in it, some real life clean clothes, and sheets and plus you're still pretty drunk!! Badass!!

12. And now for the grand finale, they take you to your own studio apartment! It's got a metal bunk, a chromed out sink and toilet, you pause to brush a tear from your cheek, you have finally attained the American dream........fuck yeah, you whisper to yourself......fuck yeah.............