Godforsaken Fresno

Every time I turn on the National Geographic channel or some other station concerning animals and their behavior either in captivity or in the wild, I wonder to myself how it could be that they have never decided to do a documentary on the particularly aggressive "bum" colonies residing in Fresno, Ca. What makes this sub species particularly noteworthy is the way that they are able to adapt to their environment, maybe they'll use a prop such as a wheelchair or crutch that they stole from the VA hospital, many of these hobo's have become so brazen that they'll wear better clothes than you and when you dare to only give them a quarter they call you a "deadbeat." When handing over money to these people you have the notion that this man probably has more money in his pocket than you do. The prime methodology now in use by the "apparently homeless" of Fresno is what I call the "Pyramid Tactic" here's an example of this, when used on me one day.

Here's the situation.....I've had a long day at work and I'm downtown waiting for the bus to take me home to the ghetto, I've got about 15 minutes to kill until it arrives so I go to this donut shop that has the most exquisite bear claws in all of downtown Fresno. I approach the establishment with great skill and elusiveness making sure not to make eye contact with anyone, I hurriedly grab 2 of my beloved bear claws and a quart of milk from the evil Viet Cong lady behind the counter and scurry to the bench in the far back of the Park & Ride. I pull out the first bear claw and proceed to wolf it halfway down because eating such a delicacy at the bus stop is a race against time. I look up and see a scrawny bum eying my prize....fuck.

Bum: Say man you got a dollar? (they always ask for a dollar first)

Me: Naw

Bum: You got any change man?

Me: Uh, I spent it all at the donut shop. (I thought I was being clever, but all this did was draw attention to my bear claw and my backup bear claw.)

Bum: You got an extra donut, can I get it?

Me: No

Bum: How bout' a bite of the one your eating (notice the progression here)

Me: No

It goes from top to bottom, from what he wants most to what he wants least, but still wants.

Also, as a piece of advice to all you smokers out there, never pull out a brand new pack of cigarettes and start packing them in public, a Fresno bum can pick up these vibrations from many blocks away, they seem to have evolved some sort of bat-like echolocation adaptation and then you won't be able to lie and say that you only have one cigarette left. The city of Fresno has made feeble redneck attempts to do something about the problem, they called a top secret meeting of all the power players, and geniuses residing in the city, engineers, quantum physicists, and the like and what did they come up with you ask? They called for every welder in the city to meet up in the downtown area, and then paid them to weld 2 curving metal elbow joint poles to the seat, and back rest of every bench in the whole town! It was an amazing feat of innovation and cunning! .............Bum proof benches! Fuck yeah! Take that bums, where you gonna sleep now? Unfortunately the only thing this accomplished was making the homeless even more filthy because now they had to sleep in the dirt. We shouldn't be too surprised at this approach though because this was the same city council and mayor who were trumpeting in the Fresno Bee about all these modernization projects they wanted to do in the downtown Fresno area for months and were paying some mysterious firm a million dollars to build a scale model of what the city was going to look like in 20 years. One day they announced that the model was complete and were going to have a grand unveiling of it, with all the media present as well as various other pomp and circumstance surrounding this momentous day. They were covering it live on the news and the mayor himself took the pleasure of removing the shroud from over the model and revealed..........................the most glorious work of art ever created made out of................... Legos!!!....Legos?? Fucking Legos! and wait a minute.....Tinkertoys too!!! I am not fucking lying go to fresnobeehive.com and type in Lego Model in the search engine and there it is in all its gloriously shitty Legoness. (the picture at the top of this article is an actual photo of "downtown Fresno.") Plus they didn't even paint the legos! So I guess they're planning on having green, red,yellow, and blue buildings. God, I wish I could have listened in on the meetings when they were coming up with this idea.

Idiot Fresno Person 1: uuuhh, we gonna build uh mowdle uf downtown Fresno

Idiot Fresno Person 2: Derrrr, Otay

Idiot Fresno Person 3: How we gonna build da mowdle?

Idiot Fresno Person 1: We don't have no money so we gonna build it with Legos

Idiot Fresno Person 2: I got some tinker toys!

You have got to be fucking kidding me, honestly I do not think that I have ever laughed harder in my entire life. I actually came close to feeling sorry for these dumbasses, standing in front of this Lego-Tinker toy monstrosity all proud like they just got done building the Eiffel Tower or something. How do you sit there while someone proposes to build a city government project with fucking Legos, and not only do you not beat this person up, you applaud his ingenious idea? Unfortunately there as of yet is no cure for stupidity so for the mean time Fresno is screwed but I do have a solution for the bum problem, in a future post......