
Let me say first that I am a Nerd. I have come to terms with this. I have a painful addiction to chess, I've read all of Michio Kaku's books, and have an odd fascination with the writings of Nietzsche, I also spend way too much time hanging out at the library, everyday I go to the Scientific American website in hopes that they've finally developed room temperature superconductors or hand held death lasers. Lately though, there's lots of talk about colonizing the Moon in preparation for an expedition to Mars, everyone seems very excited, everyday a new documentary pops up on the Science channel hosted by some prominent physicist talking about Moon rovers, and how astronauts would mine Hydrogen to make rocket fuel. There is an "X" prize worth 20 million dollars to the first team that can send a lunar rover to the Moon take a picture and fly itself back to mother Earth. Wow!! how exciting!! humans are on the verge of colonizing outer space!! Sucks to be you, Universe cuz we're comin'! It really does sound pretty fucking cool, the technology is all there, but there is just one question.....Why? Some dudes already went to the Moon in the 1960's and when they got there they confirmed the suspicion that .......there's nothing fucking there, that's why they call it the goddamn moon. Any jerk with some binoculars at night could've told NASA what they spent billions of dollars to confirm. So now they want to colonize it! Aren't these the same slum lords that never finished building the Space Station? They call it a space station as if it's like some hardcore Star Trek gangster shit, what it really looks like is a bunch of sewer pipes welded together and wrapped in tin foil, many nations have spent ridiculous amounts of cash so that a bunch of douche bags can figure out how to grow a tomato in space. I'm pretty sure all you need is dirt and a tomato seed, or just go to Walmart. So then the next plan is to go to Mars, once again....Why? Mars is basically the Moon except it takes 2 years flying in space just to get there, when the astronauts first arrive this is what the conversation will sound like.
Spacemen: "Well, mission control we've arrived, and we've uh, encountered a lot of dirt, so um, we went ahead and put some in a jar, what do we do now?"
Mission Control: Is it normal dirt or really cool dirt?
Spacemen: It's uh, pretty cool, kind of reddish.
Mission Control: Haa! Just as we suspected! Good work spacemen. Are there any signs of monsters?
Spacemen: We're reporting no monsters at this time, but we have discovered some pretty neat rocks.
Mission Control: Rocks you say! This will revolutionize the field of Mars geology! Fuck yeah spacemen!
Spacemen: Fuck yeah mission control, these are some bad ass rocks we found, pretty big too.
Mission Control: But no monsters, huh? Are you sure the rocks aren't really eggs?
Spacemen: We forgot the hammers, but we managed to bust one open and there are no monsters inside, I repeat, no monsters.
Mission Control: Well, keep your eyes peeled spacemen good luck and godspeed.
Spacemen: Roger that.
Here's another factor to consider, assuming that we do get all the pieces into play to go to Mars....who the fuck are we gonna find to send?? Who is going to volunteer to at least a 4 year round trip to fucking Mars, to be bombarded with radiation, cabin fever, and a lack of Internet porn? This sounds to me like the shittiest road trip ever devised, if you work for NASA it means that you are probably pretty damn smart and not stupid enough to agree to go get killed on another goddamn planet. This means that you have to find idiots that would agree to do this, but an idiot will just fuck everything up.......because he's a fucking idiot. Plus, remember, the first thing the US ever sent into orbit was a Monkey, and as they were strapping him in on the launch pad that Monkey looked pretty pissed off about the whole thing. You always hear the argument: "Human beings have an innate desire to explore, to search out new worlds, look at Christopher Columbus setting out to discover the New World, or Lewis and Clark looking for the Pacific Ocean." And to this I respond, Christopher Columbus was the 50 cent of his day and he was gonna "get rich or die tryin'" and to my knowledge Mars ain't made out of a giant gold nugget. Lewis and Clark got to ride on horseback for their whole journey, I dunno maybe they were very complicated futuristic horses or something, plus there's "air" West of the Mississippi since they were traveling on "Earth." But there is one last reason why this is a stupid idea......George Bush was the one who got on T.V and proposed it, because unless you absolutely, positivly want to turn something into a giant clusterfuck you do the exact opposite of whatever Bush thinks, I was just waiting for him to say Mars had W.M.D and hated freedom. The moral of this rant is, just because you "can" do something doesn't mean you "should."
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