You know, a lot of people just assume that Jeff Foxworthy sucks and has no talent whatsoever, though for the most part this is true I think he may have been on to something, but honestly who really cares about rednecks?? As long as they have church and guns they pretty much just want to be left alone to dwell on various conspiracy theories, and participate in Militia drills, the real problem with this country is that we have been overrun by douchebags (fuck you spell-check, douchebag is one word).
So since I'm running out of shit to write about this is my list of......YOU MIGHT BE A DOUCHEBAG IF......
- You named any of your children, or you yourself are named after any type of fruit, vegetable, day of the week, month, animal, or color.
- You are a man and you wear "Crocs" sandals, or black and white checker Van's
- You are a white boy and you insist on wearing your hat "cocked" ...congrats, you is a muhfuckin' douchebag
- If you wear a bluetooth headset not only are you a douchebag but someone needs to hurt you
- You are a dude and it was your idea to go out for sushi
- and then you scoff at someone for ordering "California rolls" even though it's the only thing that kind of tastes halfway decent.
- If you volunteer for PETA in any way you are such a fucking douchebag
- If you refer to your tongue as a "pallet"
- If you say anything about a "bouquet"or "aroma" when talking about wine
- If you are a dude and spend more than $15 on a haircut
- If your hair is messy and has gel in it, then that means that you made your hair look that way on purpose and you are a fucking douchebag
- If you have a "wing" on the back of your front wheel drive car
- If you're a guy and you've ever paid someone to clip your finger or toe nails you're probably a douchebag
- If your name isn't Usher and you're wearing aviator sunglasses
- You consider yourself a "values voter"
- You are woman and your sunglasses are so big they touch your forehead
- If you hang out a Starbucks
- If you order any type of coffee with whip cream on it
- Oh, if your name is Skylar you are a douchebag....sorry almost forgot....
- If you truly and honestly really give a fuck about what celebrities are doing you are a hopeless douchebag
- If you're over 12 and you've voted on American Idol.....Jesus Christ people....
- Speaking of Jesus, if you still think he's coming back after 2000 years you are a douchebag
- If you think that Glenn Beck has some really good ideas and hang on his every word
- If you don't think that the kids on NYC prep should be shot on sight
- If you use the phrase "hooking up" at all when talking about members of the opposite sex
- If you get up a 6 in the morning to go get your tires rotated
- If you think parking your car into the garage backwards actually keeps the garage cooler you're a douche
- If you've ever used the phrase "it is what it is," or "freedom isn't free."
- If you decide to name your band "Kings of Leon"
- If you've spent this much time writing about douchebags you are a douchebag
- If you wear jewelry on the outside of your shirt
- If you feel the need to argue with someone in the comment area on Youtube
- If you can't finish a sentence without using the word "like" eg... "Like, oh my god i'm like such a fucking douchebag."
- If you wear a "soul patch" chances are that you are a douchebag
- If you think you are "awesome" by default because you're from California
- If you have idea's on what makes a douchebag that are better than these shitty one's email them to me at nietzschean23@gmail.com... then for the time being you aren't a douchebag
No comments:
Post a Comment