Hellivision

I was fully aware of how bad television had become long before my incarceration, it was the beginning of the reality TV craze but naively I had assumed that it would mercifully die. How wrong I was...... How wrong indeed. I was at my father's house and his step daughters were watching a show called "More to Love".....First of all, has Hollywood just completely run out of fucking idea's? The dating shows have always been popular, The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, etc etc, they even had one a couple of years ago where the guy wears a mask so none of the girls can see his goofy fucked up face, but apparently this wasn't good enough. Now they've got More to Love where they hook up a bunch of ......fat people?!....yes fat people! They've been having all these public service announcements on TV stressing the importance of a balanced diet and exercise, passing laws to get rid of trans fat, but has anyone ever considered that maybe the reason why people in this country are so goddamn fat is because we're rewarding them for not keeping the fork out of their mouths? "Hey Todd, congrats on being 29 and already achieving the whole morbid obesity thing, well... we're thinking about doing a dating show about a bunch of fat fucks, and we're willing to pay you in pie...are you interested?" And just out of curiosity how do you ask a woman to be on a show that takes advantage of the fact that she has completely let herself go? "Uh...hi Janet, yeah um how would you like to be on TV?" "OMG, I've always wanted to be famous, what kind of show is it??" "Um, well it's a, a...dating show, about uh, plus size women." "What do you mean plus size women, I'm not plus size, that is so disrespectful?!?!" "Well, Janet it's a show about fat chicks...you know don't take it uh, personally, but I mean you are kind of fat....but on the positive side we're going to shoot the show at IHOP." "OK fuck it I'm in." I've never been able to bring myself to watch this fucking disaster but I do wonder about the logistics of the whole thing.........So when the bachelor picks a girl what does he hand her? A rose, or a bacon cheeseburger? Instead of hooking up in the hot tub do they roll around in a kiddie pool full of cream corn? Will he decide not to pick a girl because she doesn't have enough back fat? We must all ask ourselves, do we really need another Jerry Springer Show?? But the most obvious thing about these shows is that eventually they will have to come to an end and the powers that be will have to push the envelope yet further, and thus I do believe that I have hit upon what is probably the most kick ass idea for a dating show ever............A dating show for retarded people. Yup retards baby, bad ass huh?!?! Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't want to watch a retarded couple making out, or scheming behind each others backs? (and how come they don't make retard porn, if they do it's not on the internet?) I would call the show "Down With The Love Syndrome." When its time for the Down Syndrome bachelor to pick a girl he'll hand her a Frisbee, they'll all go on bonding field trips to play passionate games of Duck Duck Goose and Simon Says. Instead of asking a girl whether she likes him or not he'll just pass her a note......Do you like me? YES or NO check one please..............They already gave Flavor Flav a show so I don't understand why this show would be beyond the realm of good taste, this is just taking the next logical step, The Bachelor will wear a blue helmet and the girls could wear pink helmets, instead of rolling up in limousines they will arrive on short buses, all you would have to feed them is Jello and hotdogs. Since the economy is in the shitter you could save so much money this way. They already have the Special Olympics so why not "Special dating games?" It would create absolute pandemonium, STAR magazine paparazzi would plaster photographs of Petey and his new girlfriend as they scurry into Sky Bar trying to escape them. Then after that we could do a dating game starring Blind Mutes, and do all the filming on site at the Braille Institute of Kentucky, maybe it would start a Sign Language craze.

This article is actually a critique of Western civilization and is meant to be tongue in cheek please do not make a reality show about retarded people, because that would be so fucked up. Satan is calling me back to hell so I gotta go now.