Can somebody please rescue me from fucking Utah? I don't know if I can take it anymore, the Mormons are steadily trying to kill off what remains of my shriveled black heart. Do you require examples of the causes of my despair, you fucking sadists? How about this....Being the winner that I am, I went to a movie on a Saturday night with my mom (plus she bought me some snacks, which was kick ass) the movie was called District 9. District 9 is probably the greatest goddamn movie ever made, the theater was packed in anticipation of this movie that was getting such rave reviews. The movie starts and from the very beginning I'm thinking to myself, wow! and...Fuck yeah! I'm totally into this movie, i'm loving every minute of it....and then it happened, there is a part in the movie where the government is trying to get these aliens out of this refugee camp so that they can move them somewhere else. While they are in the process of doing this there is probably only a 30 second clip where they come across a shed full of unborn aliens in mucous sacs and hooked up to a bunch of hoses. So the hero of the movie unhooks one of the hoses and then looks at his friends and says "look, your first alien abortion." as soon as this happens at least 10 couples in the theater watching the movie get up and leave! And I'm so into this movie it takes a few seconds to register what had just happened. I think to myself that its odd that people would start walking out of the theater when the movie had only just started.....and then it hits me!! "Holy shit! they're walking out because of the alien abortion!!" As you sit here reading this you are probably thinking to yourself that I must be mistaken, surely nobody could be so ridiculous. Well, I must admit that I couldn't believe it either so I went out into the lobby to investigate; and one of those poor dumb bastards was talking to the manager and demanding his money back! Seriously....no, Seriously. I guess up to this point in my life I was naive about the world, any hope that I still had for it had now ended, if I wasn't so scared of dying, or pain and had a gun I would have shot myself on the spot. So, for anyone who has been wondering, not only are the Mormons against abortion, they are also against make-believe-pretend-theoretical-movie alien-abortion...... It's a goddamn movie for chrissakes, you fucking idiots! I'll bet if the movie was about the prophet Joseph Smith butt-fucking 10 of his 13yr old Mormon brides everyone would have been on their feet applauding.
So since I had so much time on my hands because i'm on parole for eternity, I decided to go back to school at Dixie State College in Saint George, Utah. I've been going for the last month or so, one of my classes is Biology. On the first day the teacher instructs me to read a chapter out of the $1000, falling-apart, used text-book that I was forced to buy at gunpoint from the book store, and then he gives a lecture on the chapter. So I read the first chapter which is about evolution and natural selection. The professor proceeds to give the lecture and never mentions evolution and natural selection and then tells the whole class that Biology "is just theories." If its all just theories, then what the fuck are we all doing here!? Why the fuck did you make me buy this book if its all just fucking guesses? Like I said I've been in a College Biology class for over a month and the instructor has never once mentioned, Darwin, Evolution, or Natural Selection! I watch him closely everyday with great scrutiny to see if he dares mention anything about any of this. I've been on a lot of different college campuses from when I was a traveling magazine salesman/hoodlum, and I must say Dixie is the only college I've ever seen that has every TV on campus stationed to FOX news. I think if you tried to turn the channel 50 cretins would pop out of nowhere holding signs labeling you a Fascist, and yelling slogans that make no sense. I feel bad for these kids, I really do; none of them have a single original thought in their heads because in Utah this is discouraged. Plus the whole school is run by the fucking Mormon church! When I was at orientation after I had first registered to go to school, the Dean came to speak to us, telling us what a great school this was and what a high level education we were all going to get, so when I got home I was bored and decided to google his punk ass, and this guy is the head honcho of Mormondom in St. George. After learning this, I thought it quite strange that the man who was in charge of my education and taking all my money, believes that Native Americans are descended from ancient Israelites, and prays to the effigy of some poor man nailed to a piece of wood. He also believes that the greatest thing that could ever happen is the return of ol' J-Dog and the onset of the end of the world! I'm pretty sure I'm fucked. Usually, I like it better when I"m the one who fucks myself over, so I take offense when I feel like someone is trying to do it for me. Anyways, that's all I got for now, kiss my ass.
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