More Prison Shenanigans Part 1

It could have a been a day like any other at Wasco State Prison, the Nazi's were frolicking, the Crips were Crippin', the Mexican Southsider's were wearing tube socks up to their knees.

It was a most beautiful, idyllic, and oddly calm day.

I've always felt that the part that I most enjoyed during my residency in prison was that you never quite knew what was about to happen.

One minute it's just another boring mind numbing day, and the next a million Mexicans with knives are chasing twenty unlucky black men around the yard.

I was working in the dining hall at the time, and was finishing up my daily duties serving chow, mopping floors, hiding sugar to make pruno, and stealing cinnamon rolls.

A few days previously for reasons that I do not know the prison administration including the warden had decided that instead of ordering more toilet paper, shower soap, or any other essential items that they never seemed to have enough of, they would install cameras all over the dining room and in the kitchen instead.

It is obviously pointless to install camera's in high level California prisons because the whole purpose of a surveillance camera is that it acts as a "deterrent" to anti-social behavior because the parties involved do not want to be caught on film.

But this is irrelevant because California inmates adhere to the theory of "I really don't give a fuck if I get caught." I think most of the convicts working in the kitchen took offense not to the cameras themselves but to the fact that they felt prison officials were doubting them.

So as soon as the maintenance crew had installed the last camera and left, the question was now of course "What can we throw at the cameras?" It all started out harmless enough, eggs were thrown, as well as other random pieces of food, the cameras were placed up high in the corners so they proved a formidable target.

After about ten minutes the officer on duty "Bell," gets his first call from the command center that his inmates are throwing shit at the cameras, we could easily see him coming out of his office so we'd scatter like the little assholes we were, and then he would return to his office and go back to sleep.

This went on for a few days, Bell would just be getting to sleep and then his phone would ring and he'd come out screaming more angry about getting screwed out of his nap time than anything we were doing to the stupid fucking cameras.

Finally though one day Bell had decided that he's had enough and told us that the next time he got a call about us nobody was gonna get a lunch.

You see, the way it works in prison is that you wake up in the morning and walk to the chow hall, when you're finished eating you walk outside and there's about twenty cops waiting to frisk you to make sure that you're not hiding any apples to make wine, these cops are known as the ATF (Apple Task Force). Then there's a bunch of racks full of bag lunches and you grab one.

But since we worked the breakfast shift we didn't get our bag lunches until we got off of work at around 11:00AM. So of course some jerk decides he's gonna call officer Bell's bluff and throws a six inch

pan at one of the cameras and shatters the lens...fuck.

Bell was one of the few officers that I had met during my incarceration that I actually liked and respected, he was a good man but we had pushed him too far, he grabbed the rack of lunches and locked it in his office, nobody was getting shit now.

Well, at least all those dumb fucks back there except for me, because I'm a certified genius and I had the foresight to stash away a lunch...ha ha I got baloney. So, our shift ends but you can't go back to the yard until you go through "work change." Work change is where every inmate returning from work has to go, basically you wait in line like your at the fucking DMV and they take five at a time into the little guard shack and they strip you naked, then you put your clothes on the counter and the cop inside searches your clothes, then you walk through the metal detector to make sure you don't have a machete stashed up your ass, now you are on the yard side and the cop in the booth hands you your clothes.

I cannot for the life of me recall the cops name who used to work in the booth but he was one of the biggest assholes in the whole prison, god I used to hate that punk.

So anyways I put my dirty ass work clothes on the counter and then put my lunch on top of the heap and walk through the metal detector to the other side but this jerk only hands me my clothes... and keeps the lunch. You know I realize that I'm a criminal and all but damn can I at least keep my baloney sandwich? Ruthless bastards. And then when I ask him to give me my lunch he...he laughed at me. You got me fucked up.

I ask him again and he tells me to get the fuck out; so naturally I proceeded to politely disrespect his manhood, his family, and then informed him what a foul skank his daughter probably was, and cursed all his ancestors dating back to the pilgrims as well as everything else that I had a feeling he stood for.

Apparently something that I said to him was true because he came flying out of the booth and told me to get up against the wall face first, and in true form I told him to go fuck himself.

He then tried to grab me with his weak little bitch arms and twist me around, so I did what I felt was right...I socked his punk ass.

Punching a Correctional Officer in prison is an incredibly exhilarating, satisfying feeling. For the split second that it takes to actually hit him, and see his face cringing in cowardly terror before he hits the panic buton on his belt. Then, quite quickly, you are in a world of shit, because every Officer in the whole institution is going to come running towards the source of the alarm and pepprer spray the dog shit out of you.

So needless to say I was dragged off to the hole, in shackles, by the fascist anti-baloney sandwich Gestapo, where I languished for a few months (I'll write about my time in the hole in another post).

You might be a douchebag if.........

You know, a lot of people just assume that Jeff Foxworthy sucks and has no talent whatsoever, though for the most part this is true I think he may have been on to something, but honestly who really cares about rednecks?? As long as they have church and guns they pretty much just want to be left alone to dwell on various conspiracy theories, and participate in Militia drills, the real problem with this country is that we have been overrun by douchebags (fuck you spell-check, douchebag is one word).

So since I'm running out of shit to write about this is my list of......YOU MIGHT BE A DOUCHEBAG IF......

1. You named any of your children, or you yourself are named after any type of fruit, vegetable, day of the week, month, animal, or color.
2. You are a man and you wear "Crocs" sandals, or black and white checker Van's
3. You are a white boy and you insist on wearing your hat "cocked" ...congrats, you is a muhfuckin' douchebag
4. If you wear a bluetooth headset not only are you a douchebag but someone needs to hurt you
5. You are a dude and it was your idea to go out for sushi
6. and then you scoff at someone for ordering "California rolls" even though it's the only thing that kind of tastes halfway decent.
7. If you volunteer for PETA in any way you are such a fucking douchebag
8. If you refer to your tongue as a "pallet"
9. If you say anything about a "bouquet"or "aroma" when talking about wine
10. If you are a dude and spend more than $15 on a haircut
11. If your hair is messy and has gel in it, then that means that you made your hair look that way on purpose and you are a fucking douchebag
12. If you have a "wing" on the back of your front wheel drive car
13. If you're a guy and you've ever paid someone to clip your finger or toe nails you're probably a douchebag
14. If your name isn't Usher and you're wearing aviator sunglasses
15. You consider yourself a "values voter"
16. You are woman and your sunglasses are so big they touch your forehead
17. If you hang out a Starbucks
18. If you order any type of coffee with whip cream on it
19. Oh, if your name is Skylar you are a douchebag....sorry almost forgot....
20. If you truly and honestly really give a fuck about what celebrities are doing you are a hopeless douchebag
21. If you're over 12 and you've voted on American Idol.....Jesus Christ people....
22. Speaking of Jesus, if you still think he's coming back after 2000 years you are a douchebag
23. If you think that Glenn Beck has some really good ideas and hang on his every word
24. If you don't think that the kids on NYC prep should be shot on sight
25. If you use the phrase "hooking up" at all when talking about members of the opposite sex
26. If you get up a 6 in the morning to go get your tires rotated
27. If you think parking your car into the garage backwards actually keeps the garage cooler you're a douche
28. If you've ever used the phrase "it is what it is," or "freedom isn't free."
29. If you decide to name your band "Kings of Leon"
30. If you've spent this much time writing about douchebags you are a douchebag
31. If you wear jewelry on the outside of your shirt
32. If you feel the need to argue with someone in the comment area on Youtube
33. If you can't finish a sentence without using the word "like" eg... "Like, oh my god i'm like such a fucking douchebag."
    
34. If you wear a "soul patch" chances are that you are a douchebag
35. If you think you are "awesome" by default because you're from California
36. If you have idea's on what makes a douchebag that are better than these shitty one's email them to me at nietzschean23@gmail.com... then for the time being you aren't a douchebag

Look, I had really promised myself that I wasn't going to comment on my shitty fucking blog about anything having to do with national politics, but hey I'm a criminal and a liar so fuck y'all. Everyday all day the news is focused on health care reform and all the hoopla surrounding it, but without a doubt the most dreadful part of the whole process has the been footage of the town hall meetings. This is the problem as I see it......the average American is an absolute un-informed fucking idiot. Can someone please explain to me how trying to pass health care reform bills that would break the monopoly of health insurance companies, and allow everyone the opportunity to own medical insurance makes Barack Obama a Nazi?? This is the jist of their argument, "Hitler was a Socialist, Barack Obama wants to pass health care reform therefore Obama is a Socialist, therefore he is a Nazi!"....HUH? This reminds me of that South Park episode when Johnny Cochrane used the "Wookie" defense to clear his client of murder. Following this logic, since Nazi Germany had cars and America has cars this means Americans are Nazi's.....WTF?? Or since Adolph Hitler claimed that 2+2=4 it must not be true because Hitler was a bad man. I sit and watch the news slack-jawed in disbelief because this has got to be the only country in the world where it's considered cool to be stupid. "Hey look at me I'm an ignorant fucking dumbass fuck yeah....Go America!!" The Republicans and their constituents can never speak in "facts" and discuss "issues" because they have no leg to stand on so they must always resort to rabble rousing. "Barack Obama an' his Nazi's are tryin' to kill yer Gramma!" "Their tryin' ta kill ma' Gramma???!!......Obama's tryin' ta' kill ma Gramma ya'll!! We gotta go make some posters and go to tha' town hall meetin, and shout shit thet' don't make no sense!!" Yes, yes moron they actually put a provision into the health care reform bill stating that if your Grandmother get's too old or sick they're going to have to put her down.....ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? Or they try to change the subject, "Obama's tryin' ta' take away yer right to bear Gatling guns, and Surface to air missles!!" "Whaddayuh mean ah' cain't have ma' missle's? Next thing ya' know Obama'll try ta' take ma' laser." What does the Second Amendment have to do with health care? People are showing up to these town hall meetings with guns strapped to their hips... are the town meetings being held in the Sunni Triangle or something? Militiaman why have you left your compound in the hills and why are you strapped?? All these people have got to be Christians, because only a Christian could convince themselves to believe some crazy ass shit like that. Plus Christians always love a good conspiracy theory. The only problem that I'm starting to have with the whole health care movement after watching all this is that when the bill passes it's going to keep these yokels healthy enough to spawn and perpetuate their stupidity.

Hellivision

I was fully aware of how bad television had become long before my incarceration, it was the beginning of the reality TV craze but naively I had assumed that it would mercifully die. How wrong I was...... How wrong indeed. I was at my father's house and his step daughters were watching a show called "More to Love".....First of all, has Hollywood just completely run out of fucking idea's? The dating shows have always been popular, The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, etc etc, they even had one a couple of years ago where the guy wears a mask so none of the girls can see his goofy fucked up face, but apparently this wasn't good enough. Now they've got More to Love where they hook up a bunch of ......fat people?!....yes fat people! They've been having all these public service announcements on TV stressing the importance of a balanced diet and exercise, passing laws to get rid of trans fat, but has anyone ever considered that maybe the reason why people in this country are so goddamn fat is because we're rewarding them for not keeping the fork out of their mouths? "Hey Todd, congrats on being 29 and already achieving the whole morbid obesity thing, well... we're thinking about doing a dating show about a bunch of fat fucks, and we're willing to pay you in pie...are you interested?" And just out of curiosity how do you ask a woman to be on a show that takes advantage of the fact that she has completely let herself go? "Uh...hi Janet, yeah um how would you like to be on TV?" "OMG, I've always wanted to be famous, what kind of show is it??" "Um, well it's a, a...dating show, about uh, plus size women." "What do you mean plus size women, I'm not plus size, that is so disrespectful?!?!" "Well, Janet it's a show about fat chicks...you know don't take it uh, personally, but I mean you are kind of fat....but on the positive side we're going to shoot the show at IHOP." "OK fuck it I'm in." I've never been able to bring myself to watch this fucking disaster but I do wonder about the logistics of the whole thing.........So when the bachelor picks a girl what does he hand her? A rose, or a bacon cheeseburger? Instead of hooking up in the hot tub do they roll around in a kiddie pool full of cream corn? Will he decide not to pick a girl because she doesn't have enough back fat? We must all ask ourselves, do we really need another Jerry Springer Show?? But the most obvious thing about these shows is that eventually they will have to come to an end and the powers that be will have to push the envelope yet further, and thus I do believe that I have hit upon what is probably the most kick ass idea for a dating show ever............A dating show for retarded people. Yup retards baby, bad ass huh?!?! Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't want to watch a retarded couple making out, or scheming behind each others backs? (and how come they don't make retard porn, if they do it's not on the internet?) I would call the show "Down With The Love Syndrome." When its time for the Down Syndrome bachelor to pick a girl he'll hand her a Frisbee, they'll all go on bonding field trips to play passionate games of Duck Duck Goose and Simon Says. Instead of asking a girl whether she likes him or not he'll just pass her a note......Do you like me? YES or NO check one please..............They already gave Flavor Flav a show so I don't understand why this show would be beyond the realm of good taste, this is just taking the next logical step, The Bachelor will wear a blue helmet and the girls could wear pink helmets, instead of rolling up in limousines they will arrive on short buses, all you would have to feed them is Jello and hotdogs. Since the economy is in the shitter you could save so much money this way. They already have the Special Olympics so why not "Special dating games?" It would create absolute pandemonium, STAR magazine paparazzi would plaster photographs of Petey and his new girlfriend as they scurry into Sky Bar trying to escape them. Then after that we could do a dating game starring Blind Mutes, and do all the filming on site at the Braille Institute of Kentucky, maybe it would start a Sign Language craze.

This article is actually a critique of Western civilization and is meant to be tongue in cheek please do not make a reality show about retarded people, because that would be so fucked up. Satan is calling me back to hell so I gotta go now.

This is a letter from my good friend St. James Harris woods, although he is really no saint, and is currently incarcerated in California Men's Colony for bank robbery, he is a writer of short stories and poems that have been published in numerous high brow Marxist publications. His website is darklyabsurd.com and the man is a fucking genius, except for chess in which I routinely thrashed him on the yard. This is his last letter to me, which is partly a "rabble" letter which he sends to everyone else.

Young Rye!

What's up buttercup?!?!? I don't really have time for a full fledged letter, but here's the latest one for the rabble, though you're not really the rabble. YOU are the elite. Ex-convict/fool. I'll write a real one as soon as I think of something-real. It might interest you to know that I have a weary team of psychiatrists and psychologists at my disposal and they have determined that I am not mentally ill. What am I then? I ask, and they only mutter. I've had a number of cellies more easily diagnosed. The latest in a long line of troubled convicts is named Scooter. It's certain that his problem has been found because he takes anti-psychotic medications (plural!). These pills cause him to occasionally jerk around like a cartoon character doing a double-take. Scooter and I didn't last long together because he calmly, dispassionately told me a few stories about his past misdeeds that raised the hair on my neck. The day I realized he had to go was the day he started trying to get his doctors to make his meds "on call", ordinarily set up for people on pain medication. I theorized that if you suddenly feel the need for anti-psychotic medications, well...it's too late. Scooter didn't agree and I asked him to move./ /// // We need to observe a moment of silence for my beloved Brother ML300 Typewriter which finally gave up the electronic ghost. A brave and capable machine, it served me well here in the hellhole. It's near miraculous that ML300 survived even half of the seven years and 17,500 hours (I did the math) of my relentless pummeling and pounding. Asking for nothing except small amounts of electricity and lubricant my typewriter faithfully followed me from prison to prison and was bold on command. Although it ate more ribbon than was healthy (or I could afford), it checked the spelling of every single word, and comically argued that the words fuck and protocol didn't exist. In a noisy ceremony my friends and I smashed the elderly typewriter into a thousand pieces and flushed them down the toilet where ML300 will presumably end up at sea where it will hopefully provide one last service by choking the seagulls who travel miles in order to fly over our yard and crap on us. / / // // / / I'm asking friends and other interested parties to send my fairly lovable sister Terri an email (saintjameswood@hotmail.com) so that she can email you and let you know when I move, like I did earlier last month. If you haven't noticed yet, please note that I am now in cell #6233. Let's suppose I move again or end up in the hole thanks to some sort of penitentiary hi-jinks, Terri will email all interested parties with the news. I'm actually still getting letters, refection notices, magazines, postcards and other stuff from Tehachapi where I last dwelt six years ago. Convicts aren't allowed computers under any circumstances.

Oh yeah, here's something strange. We have had no summer. It's almost August and every day starts out with fog all the way up to nine in the morning and then the hottest it gets is like 80 degrees, and usually not that. Today in Portland, Oregon it was 105and here it was 78 . what's up Al Gore?!?!?!

Go into the light,

Saint James

P.S The library has fallen into the hands of rank idiots

Send Stamps!?

How I Could Just Kill A Man

'Beware of all those in whom the urge to punish is strong'..Nietzsche

I just finished watching this documentary on the National Geographic channel about these inmates on Death Row in Huntsville, Texas, and because I have no life and I live in the middle of the fucking desert, it got me thinking. One question that I have is why does everything always have to be so goddamn clever all the time? You should see the process that they go through just to execute one guy. Never mind all the appeals and stuff, I'm talking about how they actually carry out a death sentence. They've turned something so simple into something so convoluted, and complicated that only a Medical Doctor, or Stephen Hawking has the know-how to carry out the sentence. "Well, first we'll inject him with a dose of Benedryl, in case he has a stuffy nose, then we rub his tummy counterclockwise, then we inject him with roofies, after this we inject him with 15 other chemicals only found on the surface of a comet, while the inmate solves a Rubik's cube before we eventually kill him. People, honestly how hard is it to just chop a motherfuckers head off? Do we really need to reinvent the wheel on this one? Some seriously bored people must come up with these idiotic ideas....."Wait! By jove I think I've got it! What we'll do is get a wood chair and hook it up to an industrial strength generator, then we'll attach the condemned into it with 50 straps, then we place a wet sponge on top of dude's head.....and pump a bolt of lightning through his face until his eyeballs pop out!" Whoever comes up with this shit like this must have spent way too much time watching Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street, maybe they think that if they don't kill the condemned a "certain way" they might "come back" like Freddy Kruger for revenge, so they feel they have to come up with ingenious and creative ways to kill someone. And the main reason they stopped using the electric chair is because its "cruel and unusual punishment" as if now their Nelson fucking Mandela, what a bunch of cowardly hypocrites if you ask me. Uh, well you're executing someone so yeah it's probably considered cruelty.....and you're sticking 50 different needles into another human just to kill him, or shocking them to death with electricity so I guess that would be a little on the unusual side. I'm not against the death penalty, but I am against the hypocrisy and stupidity of the whole thing. Look at all the challenges to the Supreme Court there have been because nobody knows whether the person "feels pain" or not, (YOU ARE KILLING SOMEONE, ITS GONNA HURT ASSHOLES), all the time and money wasted when all you had to do was shoot him in the back of the head, or put him in the Guillotine, but the only reason you don't want to do it that way is because "its not pretty" at least then there would be no doubt...."Um, well, we chopped his head off with a giant meat cleaver, so we're gonna go ahead and assume he didn't suffer a whole lot." Let's all quit pretending that it's not "real" killing that somehow its different from other unnatural deaths, a death, is a death, is a death. These Texans are the biggest bunch of bitches I've ever seen in my life, they walk around with boots and 10 gallon hats like they're some big macho cowboys, but then they need some some scrawny little doctor to do their dirty work and keep the blood off their own hands.....

The Good Life

Do you hate working? Are you tired of being homeless and getting your "hustle on" at the bus stop? Does panhandling take way too much time and effort for you? A revolutionary new approach to the art of Hobology has been discovered.....And it's free! All you have to do is follow these 12 easy steps and you'll be on your way to the good life!

1. Throw down your crutches, and kick your stolen wheelchair to the curb, because this systematic approach to "getting shit for free" is so effective you don't even need to pretend that you're a cripple anymore.

2. Find the nearest Rite Aid or Longs drugs

3. Ok, you're in. Now, making yourself as noticeable as possible make a bee line straight for the beer section.

4. Whew! You made it! Open the cooler and grab the first bottle of Malt Liquor you see and smash that motherfucker on the floor, all eyes should be on you now.

5. Grab another bottle of the finest Malt Liquor they got, open it and start drinking it as fast as you can!

6. All employees should be panicking by this time, and threatening to call the cops, but all you should do is tell em' "Suck my dick." and open up another cold one! Fuck yeah....

7. Ok, finallly they realize that you mean business, the cops are on their way, but little do they know they're playing right into your hands!......."Suckers," you think to yourself.

8. It is now a race against time, pound as much free beer as you can, and every once in a while scream "Thug Life!" to no one in particular, because you want to scare off any potential "heroes"

9. Finally, the sorry ass police show up, but just keep drinking until they threaten to pepper spray you, because nothin' will sober you up quicker than a face full of mace.

10. Yesssss! The cops put you in handcuffs, but you're drunk as hell so who really gives a fuck? You are on your way jail, and...and wait a minute...its only 3:30pm? You're just in time for dinner! Could life be any better?

11. Now they put you in the holding tank, they deliver some bomb ass casserole with noodles and real meat in it, some real life clean clothes, and sheets and plus you're still pretty drunk!! Badass!!

12. And now for the grand finale, they take you to your own studio apartment! It's got a metal bunk, a chromed out sink and toilet, you pause to brush a tear from your cheek, you have finally attained the American dream........fuck yeah, you whisper to yourself......fuck yeah.............

Godforsaken Fresno

Every time I turn on the National Geographic channel or some other station concerning animals and their behavior either in captivity or in the wild, I wonder to myself how it could be that they have never decided to do a documentary on the particularly aggressive "bum" colonies residing in Fresno, Ca. What makes this sub species particularly noteworthy is the way that they are able to adapt to their environment, maybe they'll use a prop such as a wheelchair or crutch that they stole from the VA hospital, many of these hobo's have become so brazen that they'll wear better clothes than you and when you dare to only give them a quarter they call you a "deadbeat." When handing over money to these people you have the notion that this man probably has more money in his pocket than you do. The prime methodology now in use by the "apparently homeless" of Fresno is what I call the "Pyramid Tactic" here's an example of this, when used on me one day.

Here's the situation.....I've had a long day at work and I'm downtown waiting for the bus to take me home to the ghetto, I've got about 15 minutes to kill until it arrives so I go to this donut shop that has the most exquisite bear claws in all of downtown Fresno. I approach the establishment with great skill and elusiveness making sure not to make eye contact with anyone, I hurriedly grab 2 of my beloved bear claws and a quart of milk from the evil Viet Cong lady behind the counter and scurry to the bench in the far back of the Park & Ride. I pull out the first bear claw and proceed to wolf it halfway down because eating such a delicacy at the bus stop is a race against time. I look up and see a scrawny bum eying my prize....fuck.

Bum: Say man you got a dollar? (they always ask for a dollar first)

Me: Naw

Bum: You got any change man?

Me: Uh, I spent it all at the donut shop. (I thought I was being clever, but all this did was draw attention to my bear claw and my backup bear claw.)

Bum: You got an extra donut, can I get it?

Me: No

Bum: How bout' a bite of the one your eating (notice the progression here)

Me: No

It goes from top to bottom, from what he wants most to what he wants least, but still wants.

Also, as a piece of advice to all you smokers out there, never pull out a brand new pack of cigarettes and start packing them in public, a Fresno bum can pick up these vibrations from many blocks away, they seem to have evolved some sort of bat-like echolocation adaptation and then you won't be able to lie and say that you only have one cigarette left. The city of Fresno has made feeble redneck attempts to do something about the problem, they called a top secret meeting of all the power players, and geniuses residing in the city, engineers, quantum physicists, and the like and what did they come up with you ask? They called for every welder in the city to meet up in the downtown area, and then paid them to weld 2 curving metal elbow joint poles to the seat, and back rest of every bench in the whole town! It was an amazing feat of innovation and cunning! .............Bum proof benches! Fuck yeah! Take that bums, where you gonna sleep now? Unfortunately the only thing this accomplished was making the homeless even more filthy because now they had to sleep in the dirt. We shouldn't be too surprised at this approach though because this was the same city council and mayor who were trumpeting in the Fresno Bee about all these modernization projects they wanted to do in the downtown Fresno area for months and were paying some mysterious firm a million dollars to build a scale model of what the city was going to look like in 20 years. One day they announced that the model was complete and were going to have a grand unveiling of it, with all the media present as well as various other pomp and circumstance surrounding this momentous day. They were covering it live on the news and the mayor himself took the pleasure of removing the shroud from over the model and revealed..........................the most glorious work of art ever created made out of................... Legos!!!....Legos?? Fucking Legos! and wait a minute.....Tinkertoys too!!! I am not fucking lying go to fresnobeehive.com and type in Lego Model in the search engine and there it is in all its gloriously shitty Legoness. (the picture at the top of this article is an actual photo of "downtown Fresno.") Plus they didn't even paint the legos! So I guess they're planning on having green, red,yellow, and blue buildings. God, I wish I could have listened in on the meetings when they were coming up with this idea.

Idiot Fresno Person 1: uuuhh, we gonna build uh mowdle uf downtown Fresno

Idiot Fresno Person 2: Derrrr, Otay

Idiot Fresno Person 3: How we gonna build da mowdle?

Idiot Fresno Person 1: We don't have no money so we gonna build it with Legos

Idiot Fresno Person 2: I got some tinker toys!

You have got to be fucking kidding me, honestly I do not think that I have ever laughed harder in my entire life. I actually came close to feeling sorry for these dumbasses, standing in front of this Lego-Tinker toy monstrosity all proud like they just got done building the Eiffel Tower or something. How do you sit there while someone proposes to build a city government project with fucking Legos, and not only do you not beat this person up, you applaud his ingenious idea? Unfortunately there as of yet is no cure for stupidity so for the mean time Fresno is screwed but I do have a solution for the bum problem, in a future post......

Alcoholics Amongus

It was all too real, and there was nothing that I could do about it, helpless and alone trying to overcome the instinct to panic and flee, but somehow, I managed to grin and bear it......my friends......I was trapped in an A.A meeting. Through the last 70 years that this organization has been around they have perfected their own brand of psychological warfare, I refer to it as "Torture by Psychobabble." This method is the most insidious brand of torture ever devised by man, they purposely try to confuse and disorient, (Fuck water boarding, make the terrorists go to A.A meetings) they scoff at religion as the height of absurdity yet instead of 10 commandments they have 12 and 10 of these either say "God" outright or imply it. When asked about this paradox they then throw in the trump card, "Oh, well it's not God, its a God of your understanding." .........what the fuck??? God of my understanding? I've been told before in meetings when it is discovered that I am an atheist that I can "Have anything for a higher power you could even pray to the rafters!" (I have really and honestly been told this on numerous occasions) So following this logic if you tell someone at an A.A meeting that you pray to "Dirt Bike Mike from Tujunga" or the Magic Dragon "Humphrey the Hermaphrodite" this would be considered the height of wisdom and you would probably get some people to convert. You will always hear it said that in the beginning of your "recovery" you should go to 90 meetings in 90 days, this is a trick, A double blind study was done in the early 1990's that confirmed that 1 A.A meeting reduces your I.Q by 1/2 a point until it bottoms out at 92 at which point you will have become sufficiently stupid to believe and accept the gospel of A.A. Sitting through one of these meetings is like sitting in a room with 20 demented toddlers trying to explain to you the meaning of life. My own mother has been lured in to this cult......damn you A.A!! The most tell tale sign of A.A addiction is the propensity to blame everything on alcohol, let me give you an example. When I had first arrived in Utah I was taken very ill, I have no idea what it was but I was vomiting periodically and basically I felt like fucking shit, humans get sick from time to time so you just try to rest and deal with it. So I'm lying in my room watching T.V in a cold sweat and all the sudden my mom pops into my room. Shit! I didn't even have a chance to pretend that I was asleep, and to make matters worse she's holding a book. I would know that goddamn book anywhere it was the "big book" the Alcoholics Anonymous high bullshit manifesto.....fuck. "Oh, hi mom, I was just, uh, about to fall asleep." And she starts asking me how I'm feeling and everything, the typical mom stuff and I'm thinking OK maybe she doesn't have any tricks up her sleeve.....wrong. She begins to tell me that the reason I'm feeling so sick is because I'm not working the steps!! Steps? Was she talking about A.A steps? Wow! I didn't even know A.A cures colds! "Are you fucking serious??" I replied. (I had quit drinking years ago so I must have been experiencing one hell of a flash back hangover.) At this point I was ready to walk back to prison and see if they would let me have my old cell, because the whole "being free" thing didn't seem to be working out. Then she gives me the argument that every cult, religion, or scam uses "Well how do you know it won't help if you don't try it?" to which I replied, "There were a lot of Indians that thought if you went out in a field and danced a certain way it would make it rain, so why don't you go over in that abandoned lot and dance for a while to make sure that it's not true." Here's some more A.A logic take the first step.....the very first fucking step people. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable." Sounds good right? Well, let me ask you this: If someone hasn't drank in 20 years how in the fuck are they powerless over alcohol? Powerless means you have "No" power, for instance "I am powerless over clouds" this means that there isn't a goddamn thing I can do about fucking clouds. People need to quit blaming everything else for their own shortcomings, like calling alcoholism a disease, my mom swears up and down that it's a disease, Uh, AIDS is a fucking disease, and as far as I know you can't go to a group and talk your way out of AIDS. "For me to be sober is proof of miracles!" is another idiotic statement you'll hear at one of these meetings. First of all what kind of shitty miracle is that? Evidently your "higher power" isn't very creative " Oh Sally I shall bless thee with the power to stop being a drunk whore"..... Let me chop off your head and if it grows back then I'll concede that it is was definitely a miracle. Just because something unlikely happens doesn't mean shit, and just because you want something to be true doesn't make it true. So go fuck yourself A.A jerk.

Spaceballs

Let me say first that I am a Nerd. I have come to terms with this. I have a painful addiction to chess, I've read all of Michio Kaku's books, and have an odd fascination with the writings of Nietzsche, I also spend way too much time hanging out at the library, everyday I go to the Scientific American website in hopes that they've finally developed room temperature superconductors or hand held death lasers. Lately though, there's lots of talk about colonizing the Moon in preparation for an expedition to Mars, everyone seems very excited, everyday a new documentary pops up on the Science channel hosted by some prominent physicist talking about Moon rovers, and how astronauts would mine Hydrogen to make rocket fuel. There is an "X" prize worth 20 million dollars to the first team that can send a lunar rover to the Moon take a picture and fly itself back to mother Earth. Wow!! how exciting!! humans are on the verge of colonizing outer space!! Sucks to be you, Universe cuz we're comin'! It really does sound pretty fucking cool, the technology is all there, but there is just one question.....Why? Some dudes already went to the Moon in the 1960's and when they got there they confirmed the suspicion that .......there's nothing fucking there, that's why they call it the goddamn moon. Any jerk with some binoculars at night could've told NASA what they spent billions of dollars to confirm. So now they want to colonize it! Aren't these the same slum lords that never finished building the Space Station? They call it a space station as if it's like some hardcore Star Trek gangster shit, what it really looks like is a bunch of sewer pipes welded together and wrapped in tin foil, many nations have spent ridiculous amounts of cash so that a bunch of douche bags can figure out how to grow a tomato in space. I'm pretty sure all you need is dirt and a tomato seed, or just go to Walmart. So then the next plan is to go to Mars, once again....Why? Mars is basically the Moon except it takes 2 years flying in space just to get there, when the astronauts first arrive this is what the conversation will sound like.

Spacemen: "Well, mission control we've arrived, and we've uh, encountered a lot of dirt, so um, we went ahead and put some in a jar, what do we do now?"

Mission Control: Is it normal dirt or really cool dirt?

Spacemen: It's uh, pretty cool, kind of reddish.

Mission Control: Haa! Just as we suspected! Good work spacemen. Are there any signs of monsters?

Spacemen: We're reporting no monsters at this time, but we have discovered some pretty neat rocks.

Mission Control: Rocks you say! This will revolutionize the field of Mars geology! Fuck yeah spacemen!

Spacemen: Fuck yeah mission control, these are some bad ass rocks we found, pretty big too.

Mission Control: But no monsters, huh? Are you sure the rocks aren't really eggs?

Spacemen: We forgot the hammers, but we managed to bust one open and there are no monsters inside, I repeat, no monsters.

Mission Control: Well, keep your eyes peeled spacemen good luck and godspeed.

Spacemen: Roger that.

Here's another factor to consider, assuming that we do get all the pieces into play to go to Mars....who the fuck are we gonna find to send?? Who is going to volunteer to at least a 4 year round trip to fucking Mars, to be bombarded with radiation, cabin fever, and a lack of Internet porn? This sounds to me like the shittiest road trip ever devised, if you work for NASA it means that you are probably pretty damn smart and not stupid enough to agree to go get killed on another goddamn planet. This means that you have to find idiots that would agree to do this, but an idiot will just fuck everything up.......because he's a fucking idiot. Plus, remember, the first thing the US ever sent into orbit was a Monkey, and as they were strapping him in on the launch pad that Monkey looked pretty pissed off about the whole thing. You always hear the argument: "Human beings have an innate desire to explore, to search out new worlds, look at Christopher Columbus setting out to discover the New World, or Lewis and Clark looking for the Pacific Ocean." And to this I respond, Christopher Columbus was the 50 cent of his day and he was gonna "get rich or die tryin'" and to my knowledge Mars ain't made out of a giant gold nugget. Lewis and Clark got to ride on horseback for their whole journey, I dunno maybe they were very complicated futuristic horses or something, plus there's "air" West of the Mississippi since they were traveling on "Earth." But there is one last reason why this is a stupid idea......George Bush was the one who got on T.V and proposed it, because unless you absolutely, positivly want to turn something into a giant clusterfuck you do the exact opposite of whatever Bush thinks, I was just waiting for him to say Mars had W.M.D and hated freedom. The moral of this rant is, just because you "can" do something doesn't mean you "should."

The Most Courageously Crazy Thing I Ever Saw

It was the darkest, most exciting epoch in my short life. I had always been a man of principles, and my number #1 rule in life is that if you're going to fuck up make sure that you fuck up really, really bad. As a testament to this, not only had I managed to pick up a 10 year prison sentence, I had had the foresight to make sure that I received this term in California which is like the New York Yankees of prison systems, if you like to play "chicken" with your life it is the only place one should want to be. But was this enough? Of course not, because, not only do I possess questionable principles, god likes to pick on me and saw fit to make sure that I was placed in cell house D-5 at Wasco State Prison. The "D" stands for D-yard and the 5 means that it is the fifth building on that yard, there are two types of inmates that reside in this particular building, the first type are psychopathic, hardened gang banger, white supremacist, drug addicted, killers, that stopped giving a fuck many years previously. The second type are skinny, blond haired, scared to death, kids from obscure suburbs in Minnesota, I most likely fell into the second type. Basically you have four different groups in one building, every prison in the state is racially segregated and then split up again into rival gangs, the Whites, the Blacks, and then two rival Mexican gangs- Southsiders, and the Bulldogs, everyone is pretty much on permanent lock down, the only time you come out is to pick up your food tray, take a shower, or stab somebody. Once a week new arrivals are brought in which is exciting because hopefully some of them will have taken the time to pack their asses full of tobacco and Meth. One of these new arrivals, was a Southsider from Los Angeles nicknamed "Trigger," he was a real "gangsta muthafucka" and to prove it he had the number 13 tattooed on his face as well as the customary "tear drops" below his right eye. Over the years I was never able to figure out why some one would do this to themselves, it's pretty hard to rob some one and get away with it if you've got a giant 13 on your face, you might as well just tattoo "ARREST ME" or "CRIMINAL," on your forehead. Trigger was in the tobacco selling business and bidnezz wuzza boomin', smoking in C.D.C is prohibited so when someone smuggles it in everyone is willing to sell all their shit to get a couple of cigarettes, and Trigger was starting to act like he was fucking Pablo Escobar, selling joint size cigarettes, for 3 bucks a piece. Living next door to Trigger was "Scratch" a 28 year old white dude from Mojave, He had long blond hair down to his shoulders, and a large tattoo covering the top of his upper back that said "PECKERWOOD" which is a nickname for all white convicts, he had a slim build and compared to other inmates he was relatively inconspicuous. His cellmate whose name I cannot recall had decided to buy 5 cigarettes on credit from Trigger and had promised to pay him the $15 when he went to the canteen. Unfortunately, the next day Scratchs' cellie got moved to a different building, it was nobodies fault these things happen and there was nothing that anybody could do about it, Trigger, apparently would have to "charge it to the game" (this is prisonese for "you aren't getting your fucking money").........or would he? In the prison block, when you are in your cell there are two ways to communicate verbally, the first is to yell out of the crack in your door, and the second is to talk in the vents which are connected to the cell next to yours, being neighbors Trigger told Scratch through the vent that he had to pay his ex-cellies tobacco debt, to which Scratch replied that he didn't smoke and that it wasn't his debt so that was all there was too it. Trigger was outraged by this snub and started screaming obscenities toward Scratch. Rule #1 in prison is that you never talk shit to someone through a door this is known as being a "cell soldier" a cell soldier is someone who acts all tough and hardcore when he knows that his adversary can't get at him, this is an unforgivable social faux pas in the joint, it is like the drunk guy at the bar who pretends that his buddy is the only thing stopping him from kicking Hulk Hogans' ass. A few weeks later the whites and blacks were let off of lock down which meant that we got an hour of yard time twice a week, yippee! This also meant that Scratch could work a couple hours a day as a porter. The porters job officially is to serve the food trays and clean up afterwards, the main perk of this job is that they get to keep any leftover Salisbury steak and stale bread, also they are in charge of passing drugs and knives from cell to cell as well as various other types of plotting and scheming. I remember being surprised when I heard that Scratch had taken the porter job because the guy was a master artist and had plenty of food from trading drawings and cards that he had devised.....hhhhmmmmm. Whenever it is feeding time the tower pops the doors of the porters who come out and prepare to serve dinner, the process which I am about to relate is called a "drive by" the tower begins dinner by popping open the doors of one race or gang at a time, these inmates will then form a single file line and they will walk by the porters who will hand them a tray upon which they will return to their respective cells at once. Then they let out the next group etc. etc. It was the Southsider's turn to get their trays, the Southsider's have a saying that goes like this "you bite one bean you gotta bite the whole burrito" which basically means that "we're scared of a one on one fight, and there's more of us than you in here because we don't get away with any crimes" everyone knows this policy.....and so did Scratch. I hadn't a clue anything was going on, I was reading a very compelling John Grisham novel about a crime fighting lawyer at the time, when my cellie "Shorty" motioned for me to come to the window to watch something, I remember him eloquently asking me if I wanted to see "some gangster shit" to which of course I replied that in fact I most certainly did. He points to Scratch, and so I watch him as he passes out trays to the Mexican Southsiders one after the other, and then I see Trigger reach out to get his tray from Scratch and....and....wham!!! Scratch punched this fellow so hard it sounded like a horse getting hit over the head with a cinder block, Trigger was reeling back but Scratch was on him, repeatedly landing death blow after death blow, all the Southsider's converged on Scratch, trying to save Trigger and his big fucking mouth, but it was useless because evidently this man had spent the greater part of his life watching the movie Braveheart and studying ninja's. Trigger to his credit was trying to save his life and get away but unfortunately for him prisons are built with the main principle of "preventing escape" Southsider's were hitting Scratch, the cop in the tower was shooting him with the block gun, the cops on the floor were hosing him down with pepper spray, but all this just seemed to encourage Scratch....and did I mention that he was doing all this while wearing flip flops?? He didn't even kick them off! I guess the man likes a good challenge. I made a mental note to myself never to anger Scratch, or claim that he owed me money, it seemed better to just let him keep it. So finally our protagonist decides that he has made his point and everyone involved gets down on their stomachs, the alarm had been going off the whole time so there are about 50 correctional officers in the building and they're putting everybody in zip ties Trigger looked as though he'd never been so relieved to be alive and in handcuffs...in the blink of an eye Scratch jumps up with his hands behind his back in restraints and runs over to his mortal enemy (still in his flip flops!) and kicks him square in the face! No Southsider even tried to get up to retaliate, I guess they had all quietly decided amongst themselves to let nature run it's course. They took Scratch to another building and I never saw him again, but I had learned a valuable lesson, never talk shit through a door because you never know who you're fucking with.