How Porn Hurt Me

For a 20 year old sailor in the U.S Navy there are only 3 really, really important things, Beer, Cigarettes, and Porn. The earth shattering events that I am about to relate all occurred around the year 2000. The technology of the day didn't allow you to watch porn movies on the Internet, all they had back then were pictures that took half an hour to load. DVD had arrived but it was still expensive, 99% of all movies watched were still on a device known as a "VCR," honestly I've never understood what was so great about DVDs they get scratched and skip, they don't wanna play for some reason, the list goes on and on. VCR tapes on the other hand could be set on fire, shot with a pistol, soaked in acid, or hit with a Patriot missile, and they would work just fine. I was stationed at Point Mugu Naval Air station at the time, I was living in the barracks serving as resident drunkard/obnoxious jerk and filling this position to the best of my abilities. Recently I had been moved to a different room and while I was moving in to my new living quarters, Jackpot! Whoever had just moved out of that room had forgotten his stash of Porno tapes on a shelf in the closet. "Finally, things are starting to go my way," I whispered to myself as I brushed a lone tear from my cheek...finally. So, now that I had free porn I was obligated to buy a VCR so I had a buddy of mine give me a ride to Walmart, careful not to mention my secret treasure because then word would get out and I'd have 50 perverts like me at my door everyday begging to borrow the flicks and I was determined not to let that happen, if they wanted my porn tapes they could pry them from my cold, dead hands. I bought the cheapest VCR I could find, I was giddy with joy as we walked through the parking lot toward my buddy's car, and.... Voila! We got back to base...mission accomplished..fuck yeah. I could hardly contain my excitement as we pulled up to the barracks.. and then my friend had to open his big fucking mouth, "Hey, uh, what movie you gonna watch, can I watch it with you?" FUCK, I thought to my self, I gotta get rid of him, so I had to think fast and come up with the shittiest movie I could think of.....Um, I'm gonna watch, uh, uh....Battlestar Galctica, you know uh, the one with John Travolta?" My adversary looked back at me with tortured eyes, no words were needed.......... there was no way he was gonna watch fucking Battlestar Galactica........YESSSSS! My bluff had paid off, perhaps my mom was right, maybe I am a genius.....just maybe. But why lie about my intentions you might ask? Well for all you ladies out there it is an unwritten rule among guys that you never admit to watching porn or masturbating because you have to put up the facade that you have such an innate sexual prowess and that you get so much pussy that you don't need porn, it's all lies but that's just how it is. So I get up to my room and lock the door, draw the shades, turn off the lights and hook up the VCR, it's go time baby. The thing about porn is that you can't just jerk off to the first scene, or usually for that matter the first tape, you have to concentrate real hard and find that special midget, in that special scene before you can handle business. As I'm carefully analyzing every scene, and fast forwarding through all the fore play, (because I'm a dude and I don't understand it) I hear a knock at my door, FUCK! Of course it's my stupid friend Travis,( I swear to god if I had had a pistol I would have shot him through the door) so I ignore him and hope he goes away but he keeps knocking....FUCK! I get up seriously pissed off to see what the hell this drunk bastard wants....and Bang, I accidentally knock the fucking VCR off the top of my T.V and it crashes to the ground....FUCK! I open the door and tell idiot boy whatever he wants to hear to make him go away, this accomplished, I pick up the stupid VCR and put it back on top of the stupid T.V and hit play.....and nothing, I try to hit eject and ......nothing...FUCK, I couldn't understand why god had taken such a shit on me, it just wasn't fair. But if I couldn't watch porn I decided to do the next best thing....I got hammered, plus I obviously had a good plan, you jerks. Beer for me is like spinach to Popeye, it makes me smarter, funnier, way better at pool, and hopefully, taking apart VCR's. I found a screwdriver that I had accidentally stolen from work and with great skill and dexterity I got the outer shell off and could see my beloved tape encased in metal deep inside the beast, I started drunkenly taking out every screw in sight trying to release the tape from it's tomb but to no avail. I tried prying the metal loose with the screwdriver but it wouldn't budge, apparently, in the twilight of VCR production, Magnavox started building their devices with carbon fiber, and titanium composites.....clever indeed. In frustration I grabbed the metal bars with one hand and the porn in the other and tried to wrench my tape from this evil contraption, but it was useless I sat back in my chair in dejection, and in my exhaustion I felt water running, where was it coming from? Had I spilled my beer? The only illumination in the room up to this point had been the static from my TV, so I turned on the light and looked at my hands and they are drenched in blood...what the hell? I looked around the room and there was blood everywhere, it turns out my hands had been gashed by the metal bars inside the VCR, I screamed in rage, and sexual frustration. I got to the bathroom and ran the faucet over my bleeding hand and saw the damage, basically it looked like I had repeatedly given Freddy Kruger a high five, I didn't have any band-aids because I despise foresight and I like to assume nothing bad will ever happen, so I had to make bandages out of scotch tape and toilet paper......but the worst part of it all was that....that...it was my...right hand...I'm not kidding people, later on this would also prove painful. I went back into the room and surveyed the damage, basically it looked like a Nazi death camp, with a dead little cyborg covered in blood on the floor, to this day I hope nobody gets killed or raped in there because that room is a giant Jamie DNA repository, if you were to turn on a black light inside it would probably look like a Jackson Pollack painting, anyways I just thought everyone needed to hear this