God Loves Aliens

Can somebody please rescue me from fucking Utah? I don't know if I can take it anymore, the Mormons are steadily trying to kill off what remains of my shriveled black heart. Do you require examples of the causes of my despair, you fucking sadists? How about this....Being the winner that I am, I went to a movie on a Saturday night with my mom (plus she bought me some snacks, which was kick ass) the movie was called District 9. District 9 is probably the greatest goddamn movie ever made, the theater was packed in anticipation of this movie that was getting such rave reviews. The movie starts and from the very beginning I'm thinking to myself, wow! and...Fuck yeah! I'm totally into this movie, i'm loving every minute of it....and then it happened, there is a part in the movie where the government is trying to get these aliens out of this refugee camp so that they can move them somewhere else. While they are in the process of doing this there is probably only a 30 second clip where they come across a shed full of unborn aliens in mucous sacs and hooked up to a bunch of hoses. So the hero of the movie unhooks one of the hoses and then looks at his friends and says "look, your first alien abortion." as soon as this happens at least 10 couples in the theater watching the movie get up and leave! And I'm so into this movie it takes a few seconds to register what had just happened. I think to myself that its odd that people would start walking out of the theater when the movie had only just started.....and then it hits me!! "Holy shit! they're walking out because of the alien abortion!!" As you sit here reading this you are probably thinking to yourself that I must be mistaken, surely nobody could be so ridiculous. Well, I must admit that I couldn't believe it either so I went out into the lobby to investigate; and one of those poor dumb bastards was talking to the manager and demanding his money back! Seriously....no, Seriously. I guess up to this point in my life I was naive about the world, any hope that I still had for it had now ended, if I wasn't so scared of dying, or pain and had a gun I would have shot myself on the spot. So, for anyone who has been wondering, not only are the Mormons against abortion, they are also against make-believe-pretend-theoretical-movie alien-abortion...... It's a goddamn movie for chrissakes, you fucking idiots! I'll bet if the movie was about the prophet Joseph Smith butt-fucking 10 of his 13yr old Mormon brides everyone would have been on their feet applauding.

So since I had so much time on my hands because i'm on parole for eternity, I decided to go back to school at Dixie State College in Saint George, Utah. I've been going for the last month or so, one of my classes is Biology. On the first day the teacher instructs me to read a chapter out of the $1000, falling-apart, used text-book that I was forced to buy at gunpoint from the book store, and then he gives a lecture on the chapter. So I read the first chapter which is about evolution and natural selection. The professor proceeds to give the lecture and never mentions evolution and natural selection and then tells the whole class that Biology "is just theories." If its all just theories, then what the fuck are we all doing here!? Why the fuck did you make me buy this book if its all just fucking guesses? Like I said I've been in a College Biology class for over a month and the instructor has never once mentioned, Darwin, Evolution, or Natural Selection! I watch him closely everyday with great scrutiny to see if he dares mention anything about any of this. I've been on a lot of different college campuses from when I was a traveling magazine salesman/hoodlum, and I must say Dixie is the only college I've ever seen that has every TV on campus stationed to FOX news. I think if you tried to turn the channel 50 cretins would pop out of nowhere holding signs labeling you a Fascist, and yelling slogans that make no sense. I feel bad for these kids, I really do; none of them have a single original thought in their heads because in Utah this is discouraged. Plus the whole school is run by the fucking Mormon church! When I was at orientation after I had first registered to go to school, the Dean came to speak to us, telling us what a great school this was and what a high level education we were all going to get, so when I got home I was bored and decided to google his punk ass, and this guy is the head honcho of Mormondom in St. George. After learning this, I thought it quite strange that the man who was in charge of my education and taking all my money, believes that Native Americans are descended from ancient Israelites, and prays to the effigy of some poor man nailed to a piece of wood. He also believes that the greatest thing that could ever happen is the return of ol' J-Dog and the onset of the end of the world! I'm pretty sure I'm fucked. Usually, I like it better when I"m the one who fucks myself over, so I take offense when I feel like someone is trying to do it for me. Anyways, that's all I got for now, kiss my ass.

More Prison Shenanigans Part 2

This is part 2 of "More prison shenanigans" (Read the post below this one for Part 1)

Let me tell you from first hand experience going to the "hole" in prison is shitty but going to the hole in Wasco State Prison over a baloney sandwich is even shittier. Maybe if it was really exquisite baloney from France or something then perhaps it would have all been worth it, but prison baloney comes in a cellophane wrapper and it smells like a wet dog. I had just punched the work change cop and in return the guards had emptied every can of pepper spray in the facility on me. If you ever wind up getting pepper sprayed in prison never let the guards "decontaminate" you, at first it sounds enticing like they're trying to help, but letting them hose you down with water is the last thing you want. The only thing water is going to do is spread the pepper spray and make it worse, so tell em' to "fuck off," and then proceed to suffer in silence. So they take me to the "Program Office," and put me in a steel cage known as a "phone booth," because that's exactly what it looks like except without the phone part. Then after four hours standing in this goddamn cage a couple CO's show up to escort me to the Administrative Segregation Unit (ASU). The ASU at Wasco is pretty much the last place on Earth you want to be because there are a lot of very violent, and very bored, crazy sumbitches living there. The ASU was on the other side of the prison so I got to go on a pretty cool field trip, I was kind of wondering if my escort was taking me to some out of the way place to beat the shit out of me though. After my "Grand Tour" we finally arrive at our destination and they put me in another phone booth while they figure out what cell they're going to put me in. About 15 minutes later an ASU cop escorts me to my new cell, and when I say cell I mean a cell! Those asshole cops had taken the mattress, given me no sheets, no clothes except for the pepper spray boxers I was wearing, and as I would find out in the morning no toilet paper. It was payback for assaulting an officer (Even though he deserved it!), at any other prison they would have just beaten me up and then it was done, but these guys were fighting dirty. In the evening they brought me my dinner tray which only had 1/2 of what was supposed to be there, and they took the popsicle that I was supposed to get for dessert as well, (prison guards are big on the whole "adding insult to injury" theory). The next morning the realization came that I had no toilet paper, I had remembered reading an article about the Turks who wipe their asses with their hands so I figured if it was good enough for a fucking Turk it was good enough for me. Plus I wasn't about to whine to the cops and give them the satisfaction, but looking back at it they probably got a lot of satisfaction knowing that I had to be wiping my ass with my hand. Fortunately I was able to remember to pick up my food with my left hand...or was it my right? Of course my cell was right next to the biggest lunatic in the whole joint. This psychotic Crip adjacent to me would wake up in the morning and beat on the metal stool in his cell all day except for when he took breaks to lay on his back and kick his cell door as hard as humanly possible. You can communicate with the cell next to yours through the vent, so one day he gets my attention through this method and asks me if have any Kool-aid leftover from the lunch that the CO's never brought me. I let him know that unfortunately I was Kool-Aidless, he then told me that his name was "Jackmove," (I swear to god) and that he was from Bakersfield or some other bastion of culture nearby. He had been in the hole for over a year, and he had a pretty good little routine going for himself. First, right after the cops delivered breakfast, it was metal stool beating time. Then when the CO's came upstairs to tell him to shut the fuck up, he'd wait until they left and then lay on his back on the floor and kick his cell door. The cops would come flying back up the steps and yell mean-spirited epithets at him until he stopped. To the lay person this might not seem much but every convict worth his salt knows that the Achilles heal, of all Correctional Officers is........making them work. It's like throwing a cat in water they fucking flip out. Think about it, if you were a fat fucking lazy ass slob would you want to go up two whole flights of stairs if you didn't have too??..... I didn't think so. This is why when you are in any type of cell you always hide your contraband someplace where the CO's would have to work to find it. And this would go on until the cops got permission to put the "Dome" on the door. The dome is a big hard transparent plastic thing that attaches to the outside of the cell door to muffle people like Jackmove who are "Door kickers." I used to enjoy this because it's like watching TV. After a couple days I managed to hustle a Catholic priest who was going cell to cell preaching his nonsense out of a bible, so at least now I had something to read. I had never really read the bible (am I supposed to capitalize bible?), but when I started to get into it, it really blew my mind. This has to be the most idiotic fucking thing ever written. I honestly believe that if you put a court reporter in a room full of kids with Down Syndrome and asked them how the world came to be you would get a much better book. Anywho, that bible actually was a godsend because as I was saying earlier I had no toilet paper, so hopefully there really is no God, because if there is I think I'm pretty much screwed. For about 3 weeks I languished in this loony bin until finally they called me down to have my disciplinary hearing. The disciplinary hearing is a kangaroo court, when you get accused of something it's a CO who writes the report and then a week or two later when you go to your hearing you go in front of another CO who is probably fishing buddies with the CO who wrote you up in the first place. Needless to say I had never plead "not guilty" to a report and won, I also was always lying about being innocent but you would think that if it was a fair trial that I would at least win once. The cops shackle me up and lead me down to the office where the hearings are held, I'm led into the office in front of a female Lieutenant who's sitting behind a desk, then I'm made to sit down in a chair. She starts to ramble on about my "rights" that she's not going to recognize, and about the "due process" that she'll throw out the window as soon as its convenient, and then we get down to business. She asks me to state what happened, so I start telling all sorts of outrageous lies about the whole incident, about how Officer Isaacs grabbed me by the balls and I was just trying to back away. She cuts me off in mid-sentence and calls me a liar. (how could she have possibly known that I was lying, she wasn't even taking into consideration that my lie might be true!?) What a fucking bitch! Then, when I stated how unfair this whole hearing was a very curious thing happened. In her haughty arrogance she declared that she was going to call my boss (Officer Bell) and ask him exactly what happened. So she gets on the phone and calls him, and asks him whether I hit Isaacs or not, and for some reason that I will never be able to understand....he said....NO! HA HA stupid fucking Lieutenant! Like I said before I have no idea why Bell did that for me, maybe he didn't like Isaacs either or may he thought that I had given him what he deserved, I'll probably never know. I could have gotten another year added to my sentence if I had been found guilty and would have had to do that year in the Security Housing Unit (SHU) which is not a happy place. So this sea hag Lieutenant has to let me go back to my old yard. As I was escorted back to my cell I was absolutely elated as you can imagine, plus by this time the cops were begrudgingly feeding me and giving me toilet paper and toothpaste. The next day I get the word to pack up my shit because I'm going back to the yard! I threw all my stuff into a laundry bag that they had given me and then they proceeded to escort me back to good ol' "A" yard. It was a nice afternoon outside as we walked through the prison and arrived at the Work Change station and hey, even my buddy Isaacs was working! I walk into the shack and take off my clothes and put them up there with my clothing bag with a giant grin on my face, I walk through the metal detector with a skip in my step, I come around to the other side of his booth to collect my things, and watch as Isaac takes my lunch that they gave me in the hole out of my clothing bag and hands me everything but my LUNCH! So I did the first thing that came to my mind....I sat the fuck down on the floor in my boxers. "Rye get the fuck out of here!" "Gimme my lunch." "Get the fuck out of here!" "Gimme my lunch." it went back and forth like this for a while until finally I told him to call the "A" yard Lieutenant (not the same one as before) because I wasn't going anywhere. So the cop who was escorting me gets on her radio and calls the Program Office and explains to the yard Lieutenant what the problem is. She talks for a minute and then looks up at Isaacs and says.."I couldn't get a hold of the Lieutenant but the Yard Sergeant says to just give him the stupid fucking lunch." Haaaa!! Take that you stupid piece of shit Isaacs!! Stickin' it to the man folks!! Best goddamn baloney sandwich I ever ate too!! The moral of the story is never give up even if it is only a baloney sandwich.